Weird Al Yankovic Album

A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the Federation in-
To maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy...

Oh my my, this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I know he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who'd win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy

We started singin'...
My my, this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance to the Force?
They interviewed the kid
Oh, training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said, "Now listen here
Just stick it in your pointy ear
I still will teach this boy"

He was singin'...
My my, this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gungans died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
While I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy

And I was singin'...
My my, this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader some day later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We were singin'...
My my, this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader some day later, now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Oh, my baby, my baby she don't want me no more
Ever since she saw his poster in that record store
She says the way he grinds his molars is really sexy
She thinks he's so darn dysfunctional and "Generation X"y
She likes his brooding angst and his wild-eyed stare
Yeah, he's her very favorite slacker multi-millionaire

Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's all crazy 'bout that Eddie Vedder
Once she was mine, but now I better just forget her
'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder

Now, every time I see him, well, he looks so grim
I guess it really must suck to be a rock star like him
What a pain in the butt to have so much success
Spending all his time moping and avoiding the press
But my girl can't get enough of his sullen demeanor
Like he's some big tortured genious and I'm some kinda wiener

Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's got a thing for that Eddie Vedder
Tell me, what can he do that I can't do better
Now my baby's in love with
I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Head over heels for that Eddie Vedder
I cant believe it, now she's knitting him a sweater
'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder

I knew we were headin' for disaster
When she caught me hangin' out at the Ticketmaster
Now she's got an unrequited adoratioon
For the frustrated, agitated, designated alienated
Spokesman for the disaffected grunge generation

Well, I don't wear Doc MArtens and I don't wear flannel
And I don't boycott the music video channel
And I just can't compete with all that money and fame
But I know two can play at this game
Yeah, well, let's just see how jealous she'll get
When I start stalking Alanis Morissette

Well, mny baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's all crazy 'bout that Eddie Vedder
Once she was mine but now I better just forget her
'Cause my baby's in love with
I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Why'd she have to fall for that Eddie Vedder
If she wants to leave me, I guess I better let her
'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder

Veren zol fun dir a blintsa

(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi

Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho

Our temple's had a fair share of rabbis in the past
But most of 'em were nudniks and none of 'em would last
But our new guy's real kosher, I think he'll do the trick
I tell ya, he's to dies for - he really knows his shtick

So how's by you? Have you seen this Jew?
Reads the Torah, does his own accounting too
Workin' like a dog at the synagogue
He's there all day, he's there all day
Just say "Vay iz mir!" and he'll kick into gear
He'll bring you lots of cheer and maybe bagels with some shmeer
Just grab your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!

(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly (for a rabbi)

He shops at discount stores, not just any will sufice
He has to find a bargain 'cause he won't pay retail price
He never acts meshugga and he's hardly a schlemiel
But if you wanna haggle, oy, he'll make you such a deal!

People used to scoff, now they say "Mazel tov!"
He's such a macher 'cause he worked his tuchis off
Yeah, he keeps his cool and teaches shul
What's not to like? What's not to like?
On high holy days, you know he prays and prays
And he never eats pastrami on white breath with mayonnaise
Put on your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!

When he's doing a Bar Mitzvah, now that you shouldn't miss
He'll always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss
They say he's got a lot of chutzpah, he's really quite hhhhhip
The parents pay the moyl and he gets to keep the tip

(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey

Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho

He's doin' well, I gotta kvell
The yentas love him, even shicksas think he's swell
Show up at his home, he says "Shalom"
And "Have some cake - you want some cake?"
Yah, he calls the shots, we really love him lots
Oy gevalt, I'm so ferklempt that I could plotz
So grab your yarmulka
The one you got for Chanukah
Let's put on our yarmulkas and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!

Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Al
And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal
But the sanitation workers really didn't approve
So he packed up his accordion and had to move
To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree
And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory
And he played on the company bowling team
And every single night he had a strange recurring dream
Where he was wearing lederhosen in a vat of sour cream
But that's really not important to the story

Well, the very next year he met a dental hygenist
With a spatula tattooed on her arm (on her arm)
But he didn't keep in touch
And he lost her number
Then he got himself a job on a tater tot farm
And he spent his life savings on a split level cave
Twenty miles below the surface of the earth (of the earth)
And he really makes a mighty fine
jelly bean and pickle sandwich
For what it's worth

Then one day Al was in the forest trying to get a tan
When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man
He was caught in a bear trap and Al set him free
And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be
And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on TV
So he gives Al a contract and whaddya know?
Now he's got his very own Weird Al show!

It's been, one week since we got to see,
Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry.
5 days since they had the show with the hermaphrodit
the slut, and the crackhoe
3 days since we heard the tale about the guy who learned
his woman was a she-male.
Yesterday, it occured to me, that I'd been watching a bit
too much Jerry Springer.

Holy Cow, didya see it last week?
Well they had this one freak,
Who suckered punched his whole family.
Do you recall when the brawl became a total 'free-for-all'
and jerry's in the middle trying to be the referee?
Hey, see the stripper with the implants?
She likes to lap-dance, and date the boyfriend of her mother.
Now here comes Jerry's next guest, and it's a slug fest cuz
it's her trailer trash brother.

Nymphomaniac is back on crack it's like when animals attack
they all exhibit reprehensible behaviour.
hit em in the nose tear off their clothes step on their toes thats how it goes
they get so violent they have to sign a waiver.
They're always swearin' cursin' kickin' butt and pointin' blame
on the air they dont care they got no shame.
There was one guy I'm sure he felt a little strange, when he found
out that his wife had a sex change.
They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly,
They have a history of ripping off their shirts...

It's been One week since they had the fight,
with the Siamese twins and the transvestite.
5 days since that awful brawl,
They still haven't got the blood off the wall, it's been
3 days since the bitter feud between the KKK and the gay Jewish
black dude.
Yesterday, it finally dawned on me, that I'd been watching
a bit too much Jerry Springer.

Speaking: Baby, I've been sleeping with your sister.
Ugh! Which one?
All of 'em.
Well I've been sleeping with you're best friend, Jay!
Yeah? Well..Well! Me too and I've been sleeping with your dog, Woofie.
Woofie, you bitch. Well I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!
That goat doesn't love you!

Once you start watching, there's just no stopping.
Your brain shuts down, and your IQ's dropping.
Jerry's the king of confrontation, he's a sensation, he puts the sin
in sindication
He's totally worthless like a bad check, he's like a train wreck,
Don't want to stare, but you can't look away.
Like Sally Jesse, he does talk shows, but with more weirdos,
The rating's jumping higher every day.

If you've seen the show, then you know it's about as low
as you can go,
The guests are tacky, and they're lacking in their hygiene.
Then pretty soon, some ugly goon comes in the room, and then
it's boom in the face of some unsuspecting Drag Queen
Well it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities,
yanking hair, throwing chairs at their hubbies.
Jerry, Jerry, now the crowd starts their favourite chant.
Should I turn off my TV? I just can't.
I have a tendency to watch it religiously, I have a history
of taping each one.

It's been One week since the show about,
Psycho killers with problems they should work out.
5 days since the big surprise, when some loser's wife said
that shes still datin' 20 guys,
3 days since the interview, a bunch of psychic pornstar midgets
who were all nude,
Yesterday it occured to me, that I've been watching
a bit too much jerry Springer.

Tired of wasting my time on that Jerry Springer,
I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer.
Come over here and pull on my finger.
(Music Slowly Fades)

Sometimes I really want to be alone
But that's one state I'm never in
Because I know that I've got millions upon millions
Of tiny one-celled organisms living on my skin

(Germs) I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding
(Germs) But they just come right back again
(Germs) I can't even see 'em
But I know they're up to something
Hey-don't touch that-you don't know where it's been!

(chorus)
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em off of me
I'm covered with...(microscopic bacteria)
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me?
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with...(microscopic bacteria)

Now if I ever dare to go to sleep
That's when they start they're sneak attack
In the morning I wake up in utter horror
To find my teeth are covered with bacterial plaque

(Germs) Can't get those parasitic creatures off my face
(Germs) And there's more coming every day
(Germs) I never said that they could camp out on my body
I wish they'd pack their tiny little bags and move away

(chorus again)

They're creepin' around my shorts
They're under the bathroom sink
They're ridin' inside my car
They're swimmin' in every drink
They're hidin' between my toes
They're lurkin' in every kiss
I got 'em way up my nose
In every orifice
I'm gonna show them who's boss
I'm gonna get even yet
Just gimme some Lysol spray
Just hand me a moist towelette
Don't tell me I'm paranoid
I know that they're after me
Look under the microscope
See?

(chorus again)

They're all over me
I can feel 'em all over me
Over every part of me
(Microscopic bacteria)
I know they're watching me
They're always watching me
They're coming after me
(Microscopic bacteria)
Won't somebody help me
Please somebody help me
You've got to believe me
They're out to get me
They wanna control me
They wanna destroy me
They're tryin' to kill me
It kind of upsets me

Yeah, I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want
So tell us what you want, what you really really want
I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want
So tell us what you want, what you really really want
I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha
I wanna really really really wanna zigga zigga ah
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends (gotta get with my friends)
Make it last forever, friendship never ends
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give (you've got to give)
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is

Hey!

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot, 'cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin (yes it's a sin) to live so well

Ghetto superstar - that is what you are
Coming from afar, reaching for the stars
Run away with me, to another place
We can rely on each other, uh huh
From one corner to another, uh huh

Everybody (yeah)
Rock your body (yeah)
Everybody
Rock your body right
Backstreet's back, all right
All right

So don't delay, act now, supplies are running out
But now if you're still alive, six to eight years to arrive
And if you follow, there may be a tomorrow but if the offer's shun
You might as well be walking on the sun
Might as well be walking on the sun

Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic
Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic
Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down

Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of li-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted
I wanna take you for granted
Yeah, yeah, well I will

I want something else
To get me through this semi-charmed kinda life, baby baby
I want something else
I'm not listening when you say good-bye
Doot doot doot doot do do do
Doot doot doot doot do do do
Doot doot doot doot do do do
Do do do do do do

There's lots of pretty, pretty ones
That want to get you high
But all the pretty, pretty ones
Will leave you low and blow your mind
We're all stars now in the dope show
We're all stars now in the dope show

Mmmbop, do floppa do wop
Do be dop ah
Do wap, do zap ah, do
Yeah-ee yeah
Mmmbop, do b'zap ah, do wop
Do be dop ah
Do wop, doom zap ah, do

I smell sex and candy here
Who's that lounging in my chair
Who's that casting devious stares in my direction
Mama, this surely is a dream
Yeah, yeah mama, this surely is a dream
Dig it, yeah mama, this surely is

Closing time
One last call for alcohol
So finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home
But you can't stay here
I know who I wanna take me home
I know who I wanna take me home
I know who I wanna take me home
Take us home

'Cause it's closing time
Yeah it's closing time
We're talkin' 'bout closin' time
It's really closin' time

Hey

Aquarius!
There's travel in your future when your tounge
freezes to the back of a speeding bus,
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing
Whack-a-mole 17 hours a day.

Pieces!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola Virus
You are the true lord of the dance,
No matter what those idiots at work say

Aries!
The look on your face will be priceless
when you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf,
And give a hickey to Meryl Streep.

Taurus!
You will never find true happiness,
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,
do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.

Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today
Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today

Gemini!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again,
by your explosive flatulance,
Your love life will run into trouble
when your fiance hurles a javilin through your chest.

Cancer!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend
the rest of the week face down in the mud,
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose
while taking your driving test.

Leo!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
and staple it to your bosses face, oh no,
Eat a bucket of tuna flavored pudding
and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quick

Virgo!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligence,
EXCEPT FOR YOU!
Expect a big suprise today,
when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.

Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today
Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconciveable
or at the very least a bit unlikely,
that the relative position of the
planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance
or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
But let me give you my assurance
that these forcasts and predictions,
are all based on solid scientific documented evidence,
so you would have to be some kind of moron,
not to realize that every single one
of them is absoultely true, Where was I?

Libra!
A big promotion is just around the corner,
for someone much more talented than you!
Laughter is the very best medicine,
remember that when your appendix bursts next week.

Scorpio!
Get ready for an unexpected trip when
you fall screaming from an open window,
Work a little bit harder on improving
you low self esteem, you stupid freak.

Sagitarius!
All your friends are laughing behind your back, "Kill Them...."
Take down all the naked pictuires of
Ernest Borgiene you've got hanging in your den.

Capricorn!
The stars say you're a exciting and wonderful person,
but you know they're lying,
If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows
and never, never, never, never, never, leave my house again

Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today
Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today

It's all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Yeah

What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don't read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K
I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him "Money" for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It's all about the Pentiums, what?
You've gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen
You've got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin' "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You're just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller

It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)

Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?

Uh, uh, loggin' in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got 'em printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique
Your laptop is a month old? Well that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operation system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin'
It does all my work without me even askin'
Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide wide
I believe that your says "Etch-A-Sketch" on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, "alt.total-loser"
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks?
Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you
If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you
What? What? What? What? What?

It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
What??

I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Pedal to the metal, hope I don't run out of luck
Rollin' down the highway until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on

My diesel rig is northward bound
It's time to put that hammer down
Just watchin' as the miles go flyin' by
I'm ridin' twenty tons of steel
But it's sure hard to hold the wheel
While I'm waiting for my nails to dry

Oh, I always gotta check my lipstick in that rear view mirror
And my pink angora sweater fits so tight
I'm jammin' gears and haulin' freight
Well, I sure hope my seams are straight
Lord, don't let my mascara run tonight

Because I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Smokey's on my tail and my accelerator's stuck
Got these eighteen wheels-a-rollin' until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on

Oh, I don't mind when my crotchless panties creep right up on me
And my nipple rings don't bother me too much
But when I hit those big speed bumps
My darling little rhinestone pumps
Keep slippin' off the mother-lovin' clutch

But still I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Headin' down the interstate, just tryin' to make a buck
Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon
While I'm drivin' a truck with my high heels on

I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a truck
Got a load to carry and some eyebrows left to pluck
And I'm late for my appointment down at my hair salon
So I'll be drivin' a truck with my high heels on

Who's that waddlin'down the street?
It's just me'cause I love to eat
Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham
Who's real flabby? Yes, I am!
Every picture of me's
Gotta be an aerial view
Now my doctor tells me
There's just one thing left to do--

Grapefruit Diet (diet!)
Throw out the pizza and beer
Grapefruit Diet (diet!)
Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Might seem a little severe
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
I'm gettin'tired of my big fat rear
Blow, Fatty!

Well, I used to Live on Chocolate sauce
Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss
Walked down an alley and I got stuck
I got more rolls then a pastry truck
When I'm all done eating
I eat a little more
When I leave a room
First I gotta grease the door

Grapefruit diet (Diet!)
Can't have another éclair
Grapefruit diet (Diet!)
I gatta decrease my derriere

I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet

No more pie now
No more créme brulee
Lay off the gravy
And souffle
No french-fri-yi-yies now
No ice cream parfait
Mr. Cheese Nacho
Stay away
Oh, I think I'd sell my soul for a tripled patty mill
But I need a boomerang when I put on my belt.

Grapefruit diet (Diet!)
Lay off the 3 Musketeers
Grapefruit diet (Diet!)
Until my big booty disappears
Grapefruit diet (Diet!)
I'll eat 'em till they're comin'out of my ears
Grapefruit diet (Diet!)
'Cause I haven't seen my feet in years

I'm on a Grapefruit diet
I'm on a Grapefruit diet
I'm on a Grapefruit diet

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
Living in a box under the stairs
In the corner of the basement of the house
Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop
You know the place
Well anyway, back then life was going swell
And everything was just peachy
Except of course for the undeniable fact
That every single morning my mother
Would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom, I said
Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at me
Like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me and she said
It's good for you
And then she tied me to the wall
And stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut
Until I was 26 and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement
And travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining
And he air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers
Play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street
Will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah

Well, let me tell you, people
It wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day
A local radio station had this contest to see
Who could correctly guess the number of molecules
In Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class, one-way ticket

To Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!

Oh yeah
You know
I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between
Two large Albanian women
With excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me
Kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out
Of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me, you know why

'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase
And my garment bag and my tenor saxophone
And my 12-pound bowlin' ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup
Right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean.

Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my
Pillow that I love so very, very much
When suddenly there's a knock on the door
Well, now, who could that be?

I say, Who is it? No answer
Who is it? There's no answer
Who is it!? They're not sayin' anything
So finally, I go over and I open the door
And just as I suspected
It's some big, fat hermaphrodite
With a flock of seagulls haircut, and only one nostril
Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right

So, anyway, he bursts into my room
And he grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like
Hey, you can't have that
That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me

And he's like, Tough!
And I'm like, Give it!
And he's like, Make me!
And I'm like, 'kay!
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear
And he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix
And he gave a colonic irrigation, yes indeed
You better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all
The phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell ya what it said!

It said, If you'd like to make a call
Please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator

In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!

Well, to cut a long story short
He got away with my snorkel
But I made a solemn vow right then and there
That I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant
Until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice.

But first, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says Yeah, what do ya want?
I said You got any glazed donuts?
He said No, we're outta glazed donuts
I said Well, you got any jelly donuts?
He said No, we're outta jelly donuts
I said You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?
He said No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts
I said You got any cinnamon rolls?
He said No, we're outta cinnamon rolls
I said You got any apple fritters?
He said No, we're outta apple fritters
I said You got any bear claws?
He said Wait a minute, I'll go check
No, we're outta bear claws
I said Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?
He says All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels
I said okay I'll take that
So he hands me the box
And I open up the lid
And the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face
And start bitin' me all over
Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time
That a little ditty started goin' through my head
I believe it went a little somethin' like this:

DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me
Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God! Ah
AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh

I ran out into the street
With these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin'
Runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated wiener dog
And as luck would have it
That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a caligraphy enthusiast
With a slight overbite
And hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me
She said, Hey, you've got weasels on your face

That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
Aw, we ate together
We bathed together
We even shared the same piece
Of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married
And we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah.
But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said, Sweetie pumpkin?
Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?
I said, Woah!
Hold on now, baby!
I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!

So we broke up, and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
Because about a week later
I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler
I even made employee of the month
After I put out that grease fire with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time
I was out in the parkin' lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty
Tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I-I say to him, I say
Hey, you want me to help you with that?
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, No
I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!
So I did.

And then he gets all indignant on me.
He's like, Hey, man
I was just being sarcastic
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that
I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy
So what's he complaining about

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street
And he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over
And I'm like, hey, come on
Don'tcha get it
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk
Bleeding and screaming, Aaaahhhh!
AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!
You know
Completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know

Anyway, um...um...where was I
Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway
I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it
But, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
I hate sauerkraut!

That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way
If one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandry
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain
And isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing
That somewhere out there
In this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place, called Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

I said A! (A!)
L! (L!)
B! (B!)
U! (U!)
.... querque! (querque!)

(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
Al...buquerque!
*burp*