 Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
Living in a box under the stairs
In the corner of the basement of the house
Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop
You know the place
Well anyway, back then life was going swell
And everything was just peachy
Except of course for the undeniable fact
That every single morning my mother
Would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy
I said to my mom, I said
Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at me
Like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me and she said
It's good for you
And then she tied me to the wall
And stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut
Until I was 26 and a half years old
That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement
And travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining
And he air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers
Play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street
Will gladly shave your back for a nickel
Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah
Well, let me tell you, people
It wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day
A local radio station had this contest to see
Who could correctly guess the number of molecules
In Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class, one-way ticket
To Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Oh yeah
You know
I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between
Two large Albanian women
With excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me
Kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out
Of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me, you know why
'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase
And my garment bag and my tenor saxophone
And my 12-pound bowlin' ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup
Right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean.
Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my
Pillow that I love so very, very much
When suddenly there's a knock on the door
Well, now, who could that be?
I say, Who is it? No answer
Who is it? There's no answer
Who is it!? They're not sayin' anything
So finally, I go over and I open the door
And just as I suspected
It's some big, fat hermaphrodite
With a flock of seagulls haircut, and only one nostril
Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right
So, anyway, he bursts into my room
And he grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like
Hey, you can't have that
That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me
And he's like, Tough!
And I'm like, Give it!
And he's like, Make me!
And I'm like, 'kay!
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear
And he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix
And he gave a colonic irrigation, yes indeed
You better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all
The phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell ya what it said!
It said, If you'd like to make a call
Please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator
In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Well, to cut a long story short
He got away with my snorkel
But I made a solemn vow right then and there
That I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant
Until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice.
But first, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says Yeah, what do ya want?
I said You got any glazed donuts?
He said No, we're outta glazed donuts
I said Well, you got any jelly donuts?
He said No, we're outta jelly donuts
I said You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?
He said No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts
I said You got any cinnamon rolls?
He said No, we're outta cinnamon rolls
I said You got any apple fritters?
He said No, we're outta apple fritters
I said You got any bear claws?
He said Wait a minute, I'll go check
No, we're outta bear claws
I said Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?
He says All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels
I said okay I'll take that
So he hands me the box
And I open up the lid
And the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face
And start bitin' me all over
Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time
That a little ditty started goin' through my head
I believe it went a little somethin' like this:
DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me
Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God! Ah
AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh
I ran out into the street
With these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin'
Runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated wiener dog
And as luck would have it
That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a caligraphy enthusiast
With a slight overbite
And hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me
She said, Hey, you've got weasels on your face
That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
Aw, we ate together
We bathed together
We even shared the same piece
Of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married
And we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah.
But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said, Sweetie pumpkin?
Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?
I said, Woah!
Hold on now, baby!
I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!
So we broke up, and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go
In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
Because about a week later
I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler
I even made employee of the month
After I put out that grease fire with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude
OK, like one time
I was out in the parkin' lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty
Tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I-I say to him, I say
Hey, you want me to help you with that?
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, No
I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!
So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me.
He's like, Hey, man
I was just being sarcastic
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that
I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy
So what's he complaining about
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street
And he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over
And I'm like, hey, come on
Don'tcha get it
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk
Bleeding and screaming, Aaaahhhh!
AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!
You know
Completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know
Anyway, um...um...where was I
Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway
I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it
But, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
I hate sauerkraut!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way
If one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandry
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain
And isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing
That somewhere out there
In this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place, called Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
I said A! (A!)
L! (L!)
B! (B!)
U! (U!)
.... querque! (querque!)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
Al...buquerque!
*burp*
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