Weird Al Yankovic Album

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me
You know I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the mornin' I'm milkin' cows
Jebadiah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows, fool
And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long
That even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores, and you finish thine
Then tonight were gonna party like it's 1699

We been spendin' most our lives
Livin' in an Amish paradise
I churned butter once or twice
Livin' in an Amish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Livin' in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at discount price
Living' in an Amish paradise

A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek
I really don't care, in fact I wish him well
Cause I'll be laughin' my head off when he's burnin' in Hell
But I never punched a tourist even if he deserved it
An Amish with a tool? You know thats unheard of
I never wear buttons, but I got a cool hat
And my homies agree I really look good in black, fool
If you come to visit you'll be bored to tears
We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we ain't really quaint so please don't point and stare
We're just technologically impaired

Theres no phones, no lights, no motor cars
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Coruso, it's as primitive as can be

We been spendin' most our lives
Livin' in an Amish paradise
Were just plain and simple guys
Livin' in an Amish paradise
There's no time for sin and vice
Livin' in an Amish paradise
We don't fight we all play nice
Livin' in an Amish paradise

Hichin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter
Raise a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise an udder
Think your really righteous, think your pure at heart?
Well I know, I'm a million times as humble as thou art
I'm the pious guy, the little omlettes wanna be like
On my knees day and night, scorin' points for the after life
So don't be vain, and don't be whiney
Or else my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie

We been spendin' most our lives
Livin' in an Amish paradise
We're all crazy Menonites
Livin' in an Amish paradise
There's no cops or traffic lights
Livin' in an Amish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Livin' in an Amish paradise

I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
with a rabid wolverine in my underwear
when suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes
I guessed is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Luis
is it Bob or Joe or Walter
Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve
I probably would of kept on guessing
but about that time we crashed into a truck
and as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt
finally I recognized the face of my Hibachi dealer
who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me

Everything you know is wrong
black is white up is down and short is long
and everything you thought was just so important
Doesn't matter everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
all you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong!

I was walking to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams
when i accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension
and soon I was abducted by some aliens from space
who kinda looked like Jamie Farr
they sucked out my internal organs and took some polaroids
and said I was a darn good sport and as a way of saying thank you
they offered to transport me back to any point in history
that I would care to go
and so I had them send me back to last thursday night
so I could pay my phone bill on time
just then the floating disembodied head of Colonal Sanders started yelling

Everything you know is wrong
black is white up is down and short is long
and everything you thought was just so important
Doesn't matter everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
all you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong!

I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin
when I got a nasty paper cut
and well to make a long story short it got infected and I died
so now I'm up in heaven with St. Peter by the pearly gates
and its obvious he doesn't like the Nehru jacket that I'm wearing
he tells me that they've got a dress code
well he lets me into heaven anyway
but i get the room that's got a noisy ice machine for all eternity
and everyday he runs by screaming

Everything you know is wrong
black is white up is down and short is long
and everything you used to think was so important
doesn't really matter anymore
because the simple fact remains that
Everything you know is wrong just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is everything you know is wrong
(everything you know is wrong)
Everything you know is wrong

Listen to the Muzak
Hearin' people scream
Sittin' in the waiting room
Readin' crappy magazines
With a toothache
This is it, pal
Root Canal

My molars are impacted
I'm gettin' gum disease
I'm gonna need some fillings
Got twelve cavities
Can you help me
Have mercy
Doctor, please

My teeth are a fright
Got a huge overbite
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me

You jab at my nerve endings
It's driving me insane
Just give me nitrous oxide
Shoot me up with novocaine
Help me out here
'Cause I'm in severe pain

Please stop for a bit
Let me rinse and spit
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me

You validate my parking
I think that I'm okay
But you make one more appointment for
A week from Saturday
'Cause you came upon
A problem on
My x-ray
Oy vey!

I'm getting absurd
Well, I hope I'm insured, now
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me

Hit my snooze alarm for the twenty seventh time
Just don't feel like goin' to work - I think I'll call my boss, then I'm
Gonna hack and cough and wheeze
Swear I got some strange disease
What's that little twerp gonna say
Hey

I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today

I could shine my pennies or clean my lava lamp
I could spend all day in my underwear wathing "Ernest Goes To Camp"
I could sit and count my hair
I could burp my Tupperware
I'm not busy anyway
Hey

I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
Ain't goin' to work, no way
Callin' in sick today

I can do anything I want to
I am invincible now
I'm on fire, baby
I'm alive, I'm alive, can you hear me, world?
I'm alive

Maybe I'll spend all day staring at the sun
And trying not to squint
Maybe I'll make a huge color tapestry from
My belly button lint
When I'm sick of takin' abuse
I just make up some lame excuse
Freedom's just seven digits away
Hey

I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
Ain't gonna work, no way
Callin' in sick today

Soy un perdedor!
I'm a loser, baby
So why don't you kill me?
(everybody)
Soy un perdedor!
I'm a loser, baby
So why don't you kill me?

Hey!

I am I am I am
I said I wanna get next to you
I said I'm gonna get close to you
You wouldn't want me have to hurt you, too
Hurt you, too

I know you want what's on my mind
I know you like what's on my mind
I know it eats you up inside
I know you know, you know, you know

Here I come I come I come I come
Here I come I come I come

'Cause all I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feelin' I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feelin' I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard!

Help me! I broke apart my insides
Help me! I've got no soul to sell
Help me! the only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself

I wanna *poit* you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna *bonk* you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God

Hey!
Hey!
Hey!

You bang bang bang bang bang
Blame blame blame
You bang bang bang bang bang
It's not my thing so let it go

'Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able to make it enough for
you to be open wide
No!
And every time you speak her name does she know how you told me you'd hold me
until you died?
'Til you died?
Well you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You oughta know

Hey!

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage
And someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage

I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely, too
When you don't know yourself

I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything

Black Hole Sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain?
Black Hole Sun
Won't you come?
Won't you come?

Black Hole Sun! Black Hole Sun!
Won't you come?
Black Hole Sun! Black Hole Sun!
Won't you come?
Black Hole Sun! Black Hole Sun!

Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once?
I am one those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
And am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned?
Or am I just stoned?

Hey!

Since you've been gone
Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
Since you've been gone
It's like I got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil
Oh well, I'm feelin like I stuck my hand
Inside a blender and turned it on
You know, I've been in a buttload of pain
Since you've been gone

(Since you've been gone)
I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped
A two-ton bowling ball on my toes
(Since you've been gone)
It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved
A red-hot cactus up my nose

Since you've been gone
Well, it feels like I'm getting tetanus shots every day
Since you've been gone
It's like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away
Ever since that day you left me
I've been so miserable, my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did
When you were still here

Gump sat alone on a bench in the park.
My name is Forrest, he'd casually remark.
Waitin' for the bus with his hands in his pockets,
He just kept sayin' life is like a box of chocolates

He's Gump, He's Gump
What's in his head?
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
Is he in-bred?

Gump was a big celebrity.
He told JFK that he really had to pee.
He never feels too dumb because
His mom always told him stupid is as stupid does

He's Gump, He's Gump
He's kinda square.
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
What's with that hair?

Run... run... run, run, now Forrest
Run... run... run like the wind now
Run... run... run, run, now Forrest
Run... stop!

His buddy Bubba was a shrimp-lovin' man
His friend with no legs he'd call Lieutenant Dan
His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut
Went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt

He's Gump, He's Gump
He's not too bright
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
But he's all right

Is this Gump out of his head?
I think so
Is this Gump really brain-dead?
I think so
Did this Gump make lots of bread?
I think so

And that's all I have to say about that

You tell a joke and forget the punchline
Why you always wastin' my time?
Hey baby, trust me, you just disgust me
You hair's a mess and your make-up's crusty
I don't know too many females
Who make a habit of biting their toenails
Wo, every time you call, you drive me up the wall
Honey, just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl
I'm sure we'd be happy together
If onle one thing weren't true
Oh baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you

You drink the milk right from the carton
What are you, in kindergarten?
You're belchin' everywhere, foulin' up the air
Then you use my razor to shave your back hair
You don't have an ounce of class
You're just one big pain in the neck
How much more can I take now, give me a break now
You even snore when you're wide awake now
You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple
Well, maybe you should get a clue
'Cause baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Baby, you're so nauseatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you

And when you softly call my name
It's like listenin' to that squeaky chalk sound
And when you look at me that special way
It's hard for me to keep my lunch down
And when you askin' me what I'm thinkin', honey, usually I'm thinkin'
How I'd really like to tie your head completely up in duct tape
So I wouldn't have to listen to you asking me those stupid questions
Over and over again

Well, that disgusting noise you make when you laugh
Gives me a throbbing migraine
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
Until you cam along I nbever dated anyone
This low on the food chain
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
You've got inhuman body odor
You've got the hair of a boxing promoter
Yeah, your teeth are all yellow, your butt's made of Jell-O
You woke up in a puddle, droolin' on your pillow
I hate the way you crack your knuckles
I hate your whiny loser girlfriends too
But mostly I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Really now, you're aggrivatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Not to mention irritatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Well, now won't you give my best regards to Satan
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you

I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
You make me sick

(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now

My whole family
Loves "Three's Company"
See the reruns constantly
There on my TV

Syndicated Incorporated

Well, I know what's on the tube
I know just what too see
Got my TV Guide with me

"MASH" and "All In The Family"
"The Munsters" and "Mayberry R.F.D."
I will always be busy
Watching my TV

Oprah Winfrey talks to me
Every day at three
Then soon it'll be
"Wheel" and "Jeopardy"

Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated

Well, I'm in such ecstacy
When I'm watchin' TV
I'm a boob tube devotee

Think I'm losin' my sanity
I'm addicted to Regis & Kathy Lee
Forever I will always be
Glued to my TV

Love "The Partridge Family"
And "Dynasty"
And "Laverne & Shirley"
And "Hard Copy"

Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated

Syndicated Incorporated
("MASH" and "All In The Family") (I know just what too see)
Syndicated Incorporated
(I'm addicted to Regis & Kathy Lee) (I know what's on the tube)
Syndicated Incorporated
(Forever I will always be) (I know just what to see)
Syndicated Incorporated
(Watching my TV) (I know what's on the tube)
Syndicated Incorporated
(Think I'm losin' my sanity) (I know just what to see)
Syndicated Incorporated

Say, do you remember that guy Larry next door
Well, he always was the neighborhood clown
Like the time he pulled my pants off
and he took those color pictures
And posted copies all over town
Or the time that he dumped toxic waste on my lawn
Or those wacky prank phone calls
from midnight till dawn
What a crazy kid Larry was, always foolin' around

Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try

Say do you remember when I lost all my hair
'Cause Lar' gave me that Nair shampoo
And hey, how 'bout the day he put Ben Gay
inside my jockstrap
And filled my toothpaste tube up with glue
All those wedgies he gave,
all those shoe strings he tied
All those brownies he made with the Ex-lax inside
Oh Lar', I swear, it was a laugh a minute with you

Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try

You know I couldn't help but laugh
Even though he treated me like slime
Remember when he cut my car in half?
Well, he really got me good that time!

Say, do you remember
when I broke in Larry's house
Late at night and tied his mouth with a rag
Then I dragged him by his ankles
to the middle of the forests
And stuffed him in a big plastic bag
If the cops ever find him,
who knows what they say
But I'm sure if old Lar' were still with us today
He would have to agree with me
it was a pretty good gag

Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
No matter how I try

Oh, I remember Larry

Mom and dad are going out for the evening
and you're stuck inside of the house all alone
That's when you decide
it might be fun to harrass someone
Dial a random number up on your telephone
You ask if their refrigerator is running
Then you tell them em' they should go out and catch it
Buddy, if they ever figured out
Where you were callin em' from
They'd come and bust your head
right in with a ratchet
Listen to me

Chorus:
Don't go makin' phony calls
Please stick to the seven-digit
numbers your used to
I know that you think it's funny
drivin' folks right up the wall
But it's really gettin' old fast

Little Melvin has a natural obssession
Askin for Prince Albert in a can
He gets a kick each time he makes a collect-call
To some guy he doesn't know who lives in Japan
He's callin' strangers up at three in the morning
Gives em' pizza pie delivery at four
He won't be laughing when they're tracin' his line
One day the phone police will be there at his door
Yo, hear me

2nd Chorus:
Don't go makin' phony calls
Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to
Swear someday I'm gonna yank that
phone cord right out from the wall
How long is this phase gonna last?

Don't go makin' phony calls
Please stick to the seven-digit
numbers you're used to
You went through the New York City
Phone book and prank-called em' all
Hope that you grow out of this fast

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all... now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddie Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the FBI
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

[soft, pleasant original version]
West Virginia, now Santa's doing time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy, and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin' 'bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain