The Vandals Album

Happy robots say "life is fine", they're the ones I loathe
they're stupid or they're lying - or a little bit of both.
Ignore disasters and say that life is great,
it never stops a smile on your shit consuming faces.

The stupid hippies, too stoned to see their lives are fucked,
Go with the flow into the shitter they are sucked
and then they
they've got these magic crystals that dont do a god damn thing.
just stinking of pachoulli while they choke on their ginseng.

beating on a drum you sing of quiet and peace.
burning marijuana and take the time to hug a tree
say no posessions but get all that you can.
you stink like shit and smile through it
dont ever trust a happy man.

Cheery retard masses with evil osmond smiles,
way too glad to be here cause "he" is on your side
and then they
hand out propaganda for sheep to join the cult.
collecting guns they rape your daughters but its nobody's at fault.

I dont want to go to heaven, its filled with pricks like you
i wont go inside the gates, leave me in the waiting room,
im sure that god hates you, he thinks your an obsessed fan.
see how you are, i'll never trust a happy man,
never trust a happy man.

You know when your sure - that no one gives a crap, - your on the right track - It's a fact - And when you believe, - things are good - it's guaranteed - you're up your ass - It's a fact - Morons through - the world, - and it's shitty place - no one ever asked to be born - It's a fact - You know every time - you think you've got it right, - your totally wrong - It's a fact - And when you really try - the efforts misapplied - or there's a catch - It's a fact - So rest assured - in knowing that - what you do - don't matter - Someone can do it - better anyways - It's a fact - When you've got a sure thing, - your sure to f**k it up - It's one thing you can count on every time - It's a fact - What can you do? - Absolutely nothing - don't even try to amount to something - It will never work and Hitler is a jerk, - and soon we'll all be dead anyway - It's a fact - (you suck) - In five billion years - the sun will explode - It's in the bible - It's a fact - And no one will know - that we were ever here - It's a fact - It's a fact - So rest assured in knowing - that what you do don't matter - Some one can do it better anyway - It's a fact - It's a fact

Young girl says to her mom,
"How did you know that father was the one?"
Then mom just rolls her eyes
She says, "You'll find that special guy"
but to herself she cannot lie
She says, "I'm praying for the day I die
and they bury me"

Then boy become a man
He finds that special one who understands
He knows 'twas meant to be
her faults he cannot see &
now he's down on bended knee
I pledge my love eternally,
will you marry me?

Do you take this woman?
I don't!
Do you take this man?
I don't!
For the rest of your awful life
she is your lawful wedded wife

Do you take this woman?
I don't!
Do you take this man?
I don't!
Eternal agony in holy matrimony

The two now joined as one
and from this holy union comes a son
and the cycle begins again,
another fool is on his knee
Where is my alimony?
Hang yourself from the family tree,
Say marry me

Menopause, mid-life crisis,
moments for the rest of your life
'Til death do you part,
'til the kids leave home she is your wife
(June?)

Just look at your parents strife
Imagine that for the rest of your life
Do you take this women?
Indubitably I don't

Allah! Allah! Allah! Allah! - I studied carefully, - and I do believe - the best of heavens is to except is Islam - I hope that book is right - they promise paradise - I'm going for the bonus - of a martyr's reward - And when I fight - I know he makes me strong - And when I die - I know I can't be wrong - I know my only chance is - Allah! Allah! Allah! Allah! - The prophet has summoned us to attack - He said we must in his defense - against those who don't believe - And when I fight - I know - he makes me strong - And when I die - I know - I can't be wrong - The last day grows near - my belief takes away the fear - I made the right choice - My God's the only God - And when I fight - I know he makes me strong - And when I die - I know I can't be wrong - I know my only chance is - Allah! Allah! Allah! Allah! - When the infant girl buried alive - is asked for which crime she is slain - When the records of men's deeds - are laid open and heaven is stripped bare - When hell burns fiercely and paradise is brought here - then each soul will know what it has done - It's time to party with - Allah! Allah! Allah! Allah!

First I think of myself - then I know some food I have to buy - Then I think of my health, - and I know that living things must die - I'm taking the time, taking the time to understand - why you and me were never meant to eat a bird that fly's - How does it make you feel? - To take a life for just one meal - The deal, two drumsticks and a breast - just leave you so depressed that I must stress - Do not eat the chicken! - Now back to my health - I really don't need the vegetable - All covered in filth, - it's almost uneatable - Meat makes you strong - so strong that you can say - Who's the man? Who's the man now? - 50 serving from just one cow - How does it make you feel? - To take a life for just one meal - The deal, two drumsticks and a breast - just leave you so depressed that I must stress - Do not eat the chicken! - I can taste the feathers in my mouth - Such a waste of time - 1 life - 1 meal should be a crime - Eat a bigger bird - 1 turkey - 10 people can be served - I don't care how they're raised, - hormone injected do not phase me - You can stuff your free range chickens - I wont eat a bird that fly's - How does it make you feel? - To take a life for just one meal - The deal, two drumsticks and a breast - just leave you so depressed that I must stress - Do not eat the chicken!

There she stood - she was a vision - a picture of perfection - so I made the big decision - I'm going to talk to her - I have to show to her it could be magic - and I got the nerve up - So went over there - she was a goddess - I had to show to her I could be her Adonis - At first sight I knew she was my destiny - The first time the feeling has come over me - Intimidation, feared rejection - I need to make a love connection - then the unexpected had occurred - and then it happened - and she spoke - and it all just went to hell - her personality quickly broke the spell - so disillusioned - and I came to the conclusion - she was garbage wrapped in loveliness - leaving me so unimpressed - If she don't shut up - I'm gonna throw up - all over her shoes - How could it be? - That such a goddess would ever talk to me - and make me nauseous - All the things she said - just echoed in my head - I thought she was an angle, - but it was all just misread - Every word was terrible, - and made it more unbearable - and made me have to leave the f-ing room - and it's all because she spoke - tortured by her words - such a pretty shithead - that I wished I never heard - Perfect on the outside - but fucked on the in - how can god be so cruel? - it's got to be a sin - I had to plug my ears, - until she disappears - so I can cry - Waahh! - and it's all because she spoke - it all just went to hell - her personality quickly broke the spell - so disillusioned - that I came to the conclusion - she was garbage wrapped in loveliness - leaving me so unimpressed - I was destined to learn my lesson - and I learned it well - Never think she's perfect till you talk to her first - Never fall in love till you go through her purse - Never think she's perfect till you talk to her first - And I should know

I know it's just a figure of speech - but if your breath and your clothes are bad - your destined to teach - I see the president - I see Lincoln - what the hell was 43% of this place thinking - we watch the shuttle launch - read J.D. Salinger - I know one teacher I wish was on the Challenger - How- How- How- How- How- How- - How did this loser get this job? - check his references, - that's all I'm saying - I think my parents deserve more - for what their paying - he works till 3:00 - it's such a racket - all you need are Dockers and - a Members Only jacket - How- How- How- How- How- How- - How did this loser get this job? - unprepared, - drunk you swindle academe - all you wanna do - is wrestle with the football team - pass out towels like communion - you're protected by the kid molesters union - How- How- How- How- How- How- - How did this loser get this job?

Hey baby - where you going tonight? - And are you taking me with you? - I love you so much - I want you to know - I really love you so - I want you to be my lady forever - and ever and ever and ever - Little girl - I want you - so bad I can taste it in my food - I think your great - I really want you to know - I always want you around - I think about you every single night - when I'm sleeping on the couch - in my bed - Every time I watch TV - all I have - I got you in my head - All I think is of you - I love you - I f**kin love you, - your my Pumpkin - and I want to squeeze you - So baby - where we going out tonight? - Are you taking me to get some food? - I want you to pay for me - I've got no job - I'm so hungry for you - for you - for you - Hey baby - where we going out tonight? - Are we gonna go eat? - Everything will be alright - I love you so much I want you to know - I never really ever wanna let you go, - you're my Pumpkin for 6 weeks now - and all I want to share is a large cow, - with cheese, with you, - because I love you - Oh Pumpkin! - I want you - I want you to know, - I never really ever wanna let you go - I'll smash your head in the doorway, - If you don't pay my way - I got no money, I got no rent, - I'm just hungry for you - I'm just hungry for you - I'm so hungry for you - Hungry for you! - Hungry for you!

For all those who've failed - you will have your day - and you'll hear them say - "I don't understand how things went wrong, - I've always been great, good-looking and strong" - When they feel like you have all the time - It's your revenge - FAILURE - I guess that's life, - failure is the best revenge - Be proud of your flounders - and falter with pride - Fail without shame - 'cause you never tried - Don't bother building a trophy case, - Unless they start handing them out for last place - Be humble because no one is safe - It sneaks right up - FAILURE - Everybody join the club, - Failure is the best revenge - FAILURE - Only one way of doing things right, - but a thousand ways wrong, - so join the fight. - In showing the winners we don't play their games, - an army of losers - retarded and lame - a chance to unite - 'cause we're all the same - It's great to be a - FAILURE - Never try - Failure is the best revenge - Avoid mediocrity - and run the other way - Stay at the bottom - you're welcome to stay - Make them remember you for failure without match - Every defeat is a feather in your cap. - I give a crap - We all belong - FAILURE - One billion strong - FAILURE - come join the club - FAILURE - Never try - Failure is the best revenge.

I'm Palm Palm head - and I wrote one good song - But that was almost 20 years ago - I tried and I tried to follow it up - But you know how those sophomore jinxes go - So I became quite bitter - as sales dropped like flies - No one likes these dumb songs - of racing cars and spies - Maybe it's my ape drape - or hippies in my band - But now we only tour in Arizona - or Japan - So after much thought - and a panel of experts - I came up with a brilliant little plan - I'll take out my frustrations - on one of these ungrateful new punk rock bands - 'cause I invented socks - and I invented gravy - I made up the cotton gin - but no one ever paid me - Why beat a dead horse - with a career that is cursed? - I'll just sue for royalties - on things I thought of first - Back in Ancient Egypt - many Pharaohs went to jail - for misappropriation - of my Phrigian scale - I said listen to Tutankhamen - you're driving me insane - it's obvious those bellies - are all dancing to Bloodstains - I figured out you owe me - and please try not to laugh - but every time I hear it - I get one more golden calf - So I've bitten off - a sizable chunk - of the hands of the people - with the food - Now I'm confined to the pages of Flipside - a graveyard of punk rock's 35 year old dudes - 'cause I invented socks - and I invented gravy - I made up the cotton gin - but no one ever paid me - Why beat a dead horse - with a career that is cursed? - I'll just sue for royalties - on things I thought of first - Palm Palm! - Palm Palm! - Palm Palm! - Ape Drape! - Ape Drape! - Poodle Head! - Poodle Head!

I'm gonna miss you buddy,
you were the best pal in the world
I feel real bad
cuz your going away
but things will be better in the other world

when you get to heaven
I bet your legs will work again
you can run around like years before
and you'll be surrounded by your friends

They'll never have to pick you up
out of the mud,
your hair will grow back
and you'll have a lot of fun
Yeah

I think about the good times,
like when I dressed you up in human clothes,
peanut butter on the roof of your mouth,
chase you around the back yard with the hose

You were my constant companion
but now you don't recognize me
your eyes are blind and dad says
we should let you die with dignity

You knew where we were going on that last ride
when I promised mom & dad I wouldn't cry.

I think it's the right thing to do
if your in pain
Canine Euthanasia
seems more humane

Now sometime has passed
since you have gone away.
I got a new pal
and he's really great
but I think about you every day

I miss you more than any girl,
you never let me down.
Where ever you are
I wish I was there
I was always happy
when you were around.

Sooner or later everyone dies
but I wish I never had to say good-bye
Goodbye.

Hey mom, it's been fantastic since I'm on my own - At first it seemed so drastic when you and dad kicked me out - but it made me get my act together - and learn what life's all about - now I'm self reliant I can hold my own - Movin' up, - lookout - I got me a job, at a food service place - I'm making four-fifty - and things are going great - I'm cleaning toilets, making fries - but in a couple years - Your least favorite son could make the manager - I don't need education, - forget about a college - I've got the motivation, - I've got the knowledge - I'll work my way slowly up the food service ladder - and prove to my new family here I really matter - Movin' up, - lookout, - here I come, - Movin' up - I hate to jinx my chances - if it's too soon to speak - but there has been some talk, - I could be worker of the week - They'll give me half price lunches - and my own parking space - if I ever get a car - that's icing on the cake - Movin' up, - Lookout, - here I come, - I'm doing great - I may share one room place - with seven other strangers - with bugs and drugs - and several other dangers - but I command the dinner shift, - and when depressed - I think the four F's - Friends, Fun, Fast-Food, Flexible hours - 'cause I got me a job - I got me a plan - you said I was a mess up - but I proved that I'm a man - I'm here surviving - and I did my own way - Mom and Dad - I wish that you could see me today - I'm Movin' up, - Lookout, - Here I come, - I got a raise, - Movin' up - Lookout, - Here I come, - I'm doing good

This here's my last chance - so it won't hurt to ask - What can I do to make you love me? - I'll learn to speak in French, - I'll even pitch a tent on your front yard - to make you love me - It seems impossible - you never seem to notice - But there will come a day - they'll say "he really showed us" - This time I really mean it - I think I'm dangerous - You won't be safe - until you love me - You're such a pretty girl, - let's feed the birds and squirrels - some bread and peanuts - till you love me. - If you don't like some one - Then I will take a gun - and blow their heads off - until you love me - You must understand - I'm not responsible for anything I do - I've got a doctor's note - this time it's not a joke, - I'm really serious - bad things will happen - till you love me. - love me - love me - I know when you say I'm scaring you - and I should go away that it's a lie - But here's some truth - I'll never stop until I die. - (die die die) - In my mind - We are peas and carrots - But you are so blind - You refuse to hear it - You'd better listen up - I'll give you one last chance - you won't be safe - until you love me, - love me, - LOVE ME

I think my TV's busted
if not this country's dusted
'cause I think I saw 7 Mary 3,
and they were on the MTV
They were telling the people to rock the what?

Talentless hippies, Hootie wannabees,
Southern fried kings of mediocrity
Now let me get this straight
you want MTV viewers,
the worlds biggest losers,
to vote?

this idea's wrong
in fact there ought to be a law
if you can sit through a Silverchair video
you shouldn't be allowed to vote at all

They call it a revolution, I call it a curse
Tabitha sucks and Kennedy's worse
it's like I got Clockwork Orange things on my eyelids
as I watch the fans of Stone Temple Pilots seize power

A layer of shit spreads across the land
it's a PSA from the Rollins Band
now the sellout of all time,
who can't sing or write a rhyme
is telling his Genius club
they have a voice?

Well the voice of his fans,
like those of Blind Melons
should be lumped together
w/ convicted felons
Just a certain segment of society
Not encouraged to engage in public policy

This idea's wrong,
in fact there ought to be a law.
Anyone who bought the last Hole record
should be thoroughly deprogrammed
for the safety of us all

This idea's wrong
don't choose your masters

I believe the children are the future
Teach them well and let them know
Things may be all shit right now
But it gets worse when your old

Happy meals and Easter bunny
Great moments indeed
Enjoy it now while you still can
Cuz I believe

I believe in miracles
And dreams can come true
Especially the ones
Where your teeth fall out
Or you're naked at school

Even sleeping brings us pain
We never get no relief
But that's how it's meant to be
That's what I believe

What ever happen to trust?
Come on people
It's what we need
Stop confusing the issues with facts
Cuz me for one
I still believe

I believe in the written word
If it's on paper it's true
It's all gospel as far as I'm concerned
If somebody wrote it
It's good enough for me

Why be so suspicious of the ones
Who tried to keep you informed?
They give you the things you need
That's why I believe