The Beautiful South Album

Who's gonna tell the orange
they're actually brown
Who's gonna mop up for grey
when they've painted the town
It's the news that everyone dreads
that we're no longer painting it red
that our gag's still funny
but they've opted for a different clown
You were great in the sixties
but we're gonna have to pull you down

Nothing like the sound of the shallow
jumping in at the deep
Royalty's balloon coming down
is a memorable shriek
Nothing quite like the sickening clout
of the dive into pool drained out
You excelled as a Queen
but you'll have to return the crown
You were great in the sixties
but we're gonna have to pull you down

Who's gonna tell the tall
they're beginning to shrink
Like who's gonna tell the Swiss
They're no longer in sync
We'll have to get the maroon
in a separate counselling room
say "it may be your washer
but you seem to be fading to pink"
Yesterday's ice cool
doesn't take long to melt and sink

Who's gonna tell the cities
that are acting like towns
they're actually just a village
that the posh surrounds
The diplomatic answer
to your 25 stone dancer
is your act's still great
but we can't keep changing a pound
You were Queen in your day
but you're gonna have to give back the crown
You were great in the sixties
but we're gonna have to pull you down

Well I kept fantasizing your eyes were wide open
and it made me long for little last night
Yes it was frantic, it was young, it was sweet
But a sweet worth every bite

Now I'm not normally one to be greedy
But I had to be greedy with you
5 days, 6 days. the whole of the month
wouldn't satisfy my only sweet tooth

Well it can take many years to forge a friendship
It can take a lifetime to get close
But we took all the shortcuts,
used our hearts as a map
and we still got closer than most

So excuse my staring but it's just your looks
are a standard well above myself
Your face might mean zip to you
But to me it's something else

All I can do is thank you
and wish that every dream you have will come true
5 years, 6 years, the whole of your life
I'll be wishing for the riches for you

You dashed pretty's only chance of a compliment
and gave the plain the blues
Turned supermodel into last year's pull
and got her down shining your shoes

And I don't mean to be hod carrier
of the ordinary folks bad news
But tell Miss World to fly to Mars
If she really doesn't like to lose

I came in here, just to see his guilty face
I'm just checkin'
He's been dead twenty years but I sort of miss the chase
I'm just checkin'

I've seen folk just like her, pop their noses round the door
They're just checkin'
If this is where their husband was between 1 and 4
They're just checkin'

Nothing hits so definite, hits so hard
When he's moved from Old White Hart
and he's doing the Old Graveyard
We're running a check. On the love we had taken away
We're running a check. That death wasn't fortnight astray
Nothing hits so definite (repeat)

The mask of sobriety for afternoons he'd save
I'm just checkin'
If he could fool me regularly he'd certainly fool his grave
I'm just checkin'

I've seen those widows pray for the hunt that was taken away
They're just checkin'
They pretend they've just popped by like they popped by yesterday
They're just checkin'

I came round here in case he left a slate
No one settles up around here, like the widowed or the late
We've seen folk like you settle bills or family feuds
But no one's bought a drink for those that death excludes
We're just checkin'
We're just thinkin'
We're just sinkin'

No one wrote a song for me
Just instrumental not too long
As sure as sure could ever be
You'd only get the lyrics wrong

No solo Chet Baker ever played
lowered me slowly to my grave
The prose that Keats and Yates would save
was for King and Queen not knave

I have no poem that describes my charm
No story told that's short and sweet
I have no hymn, I have no psalm
This song I have it has no beat
Yes it has no beat
No tapping of feet
Yes it has no beat

Miles Davis played the black 'n' blues
Did he play for me to lose?
Cause just when round midnight falls
That tune's not his it's Kenny Ball's

Now on that graveyard on that grave
On that tombstone in the shade
No poem written, no accolade
No "We loved you" ever sprayed

There's just this feeling from that moss
When epitaph you cannot read
he must have lived it at budget cost
So he deserves to be beneath
All that William Robinson wrote
not one of my pluses did he portray
those lyrics stuck right down my throat
I never hit
It never hit
My hit parade

That grand facade will finally diminish
when he breaks your heart
from start to finish

Sisters dream of isles in paradise
That ain't no use when the
Captain's just capsized
The smile that you now know was a guise
left his clever lips and stole the prize

So women take a loser's good advice
let your heart go floating out but use
the anchor twice
Don't feel ever sorry for the dicks
Just grab the dice and hope
you roll a six, a six

So as nature gave out semen
to the jealous and the sick
Jesus gave out candies
to the dim or partially lit

And woman you're a lighthouse
while the candle only drips
Girl you are a shining star
In Masculine Eclipse

Your figure like your friendship
gradually grows and grows
The clothes that you thought that
you'd shrunk
their size just froze

When the body that you thought
of as yours
Just ups and goes
I'll be happy with the weight
of the partner that I chose

Your quick-step is slower
But your spirit's still out on the floor
and you can still hack it
Cause you know what your
feet are free for
And I'll love my dear
'Til you can't tuck it in anymore

Your second grey hair came a month
after the first
It didn't make you better
but it didn't make you feel any worse

Your third grey hair appeared
with the fourth on your beard
Your fifth, sixth, seventh sprouted out
from your nose and your ears

And I'll love you my partner
'til you can't hide the grey anymore
Your distinguished good looks
am the ones young girls cannot ignore
And I'll love you my partner
'til the grey hairs hairdressers floor

Your eighth and your ninth and your tenth
you just looked to the sky
Like the charge of the Light Brigade
was passing you by

Your quick-step is slower
but your spirit's still out on the floor
When it comes to raw beauty
you've a whole whorehouse waiting in store
Your corset has grown
Bid you're still always first to the drawer
and I'll love you my partner
'til the grey hairs the hairdresser's floor

If we crawl at 2, we could crawl at 22
and grovel at the drop of a hat
And once they've got you down there
It's so hard to re-straighten your back
It we crawl at 2, we could crawl at 102

And the target brainless don't quite reach
covered so kindly in your opening speech
Is a tiny crab of thought
on a sideways beach
Let lessons not the pupils teach
Justice not the lesers breach
And maggots not have finger
wagged at by leech

Well I made sure I wrote this song in Braille
So you could touch the words, the words that sail
From my mouth back to the jail
you could touch the words that sail
From the mouth back to the jail
That is posing as tongue

Curtsies, bows, thank you sirs and the wearing of a business suit
lead to complaints of backache and end with a Nazi salute
And once they've got you down there
It's so hard to re-straighten your back
If we crawl at 2, we could crawl at 222

This reign of plastic
that replaced the reign of gold
couldn't have known that you
would feel so undersold
If love was built on hindsight
then you surely would have seen
you were joining hands
with the Tupperware Queen
Yes you gave a groan
when I took that throne
But can you choose a Queen
when you behave like a drone
Where the silverware's not expected
and certainly never been
that's the ideal kingdom
of this Tupperware Queen

I didn't mean to fool you
into feeling King
of anything but plastic
and what plastic brings
if gold is what she had
it's what I could've been
the unaffordable dream
of this Tupperware Queen

Yes you gave a groan
when I took that throne
but don't expect a gem
when you're quarrying for stone
Where the silverware's not expected
and certainty never been
that's the ideal kingdom
of this Tupperware Queen

In future when that moan
has turned to prone
And the slightest groan
feels so overblown
Remember you're a drone
and the Queen however plastic
runs the honeycomb

I've only got one real fan
She is not woman, she is not man
She's got her own coat of arms and her tartan and her own clan
Her clan surpasses beauty
always love and never duty
A beauty that feels so alien to this land

These feelings should be censored they should be banned
But when you put a porn-star in these hands
I'm the 6 month old with the keys to his own pram
You got this straight to play the fool
Miss out nursery, miss out school
And gave the bullet train option to this old abandoned tram

How do you make so special look like dross
How do you make expensive look budget cost
If it's power to the workers then you are the boss
You make bluebells look like moss
Gave a second coat to gloss
And made Lennon's little Ono look like dross
If prostitution was not illegal
you'd make cheap sex look so regal
Make the hottest little joint in town look like frost

The famous they get stalkers, they get pests
But I'd rather get a bullet right through my chest
All that Lennon could imagine
was not you, was just a fraction
and all half-hearted get is second best

Talent is rugged determination
skill is a little more dull
Genius buggers straight conversation
makes sure that it's ass is full

so good looking people
don't write no poetry
They're too busy
holding their hands
You don't go to beach
For depth of thought
If your brain's leaking
grains of sand

Cos white teeth are uglier than yellow teeth
False gums never make plans
Little stones hold big stories underneath
But the big stones go to the dance

When model puts pen to paper
Paper tends to turn to stone
So original thoughts so hard to squeeze
from a face so easy to clone

Whilst the dedicated
cancelled the dates on their latest tour
Cause genius had played
that route ten times before
Hardwork made the excuse
of being too hardcore
Yes don't fire shots from double barrel
if you know you're single bore

Love takes time we all agree
and time's not the easiest to cheat
The water changes one degree
When will the shiver
of this river
turn to sea

The river does no good, no harm
Tempts us like pirates to its calm
Lover's shanty, devil's psalm
Goddamn this river
and its shiver
and its charm

If you've got love's A to Z
Don't go dredging river bed
Use your fins and use your head
This river's hooked the floating dead

Our lives go bounding down the strewn
When will we realize minnow dreams
The frustration eating you and me
Our only wish
to be the fish
that meets the sea

We cannot tell a he or she
But us fish can tell a we
We know the seed we know the tree
When will my conker
conquer thee

The cheaper woman and myself
We've both got ladders in our tights
When you've been left on the top shelf
You've got those ladders in your sights

You've heard it said a thousand times
But only heard his Broadway lines
So baby please go
Ain't part of the show

Cause when Romeo needs no cue or prompt
The likelier your little heart be stomped
By baby don't go
Written in to his show

Cause in the West-End show your life
played understudy to every part
Got given all the dullest lines
Whilst the chorus girls danced on your heart
Baby please go (Baby please go)
Baby please go (Baby please go)
Baby please go (Baby please go)

The sorry tale we'd all applaud
That only dripped and never poured
but baby just go
let him on with his show

The leading snail leaves tell tale lines
The bullshit tower the loudest chimes
But baby please go
Ain't part of the show

Romantic love lines that we adored (Baby forget them)
They were read by men from idiot board (Baby forget them)
So a message from the wisest guy to broad
is best like flattery ignored
Baby just let him go
let him on with the show
Baby just let him go
let him on with the show

You look a younger more beautiful version of death
But I'm scared to hold you close or smell your breath
Now your body's facing east your heart is west
And you can call me leisure and I can call you rest

We can't stop thinking that we should've guessed
We should've held you closer to our chest
Cos our shoulders were put there for that test
Now you can call me leisure and I can call you rest

Well you certainly jumped the red at treasure chest
Your joyride didn't feel bad enough to confess
Till you placed the lemming on this family chest
and you can call me leisure
The donor of poor measure
The scalpel of all pleasure
I'll call you rest

It's what we thought God gave us shoulders for
Not to shrug in self pity or to ignore
Instead the helpless ration chances to the poor
We pick your weightless body up from the floor
We pick your weightless body up from the floor

All the minutes, and the hours that you caressed
have been taken to a place that you thought best
If it's heaven or it's hell you're still well blessed
And I shall get my own back when I can call you rest

Well the dice that I roll
never seems to land on six
and that 48 card pack
is short of some of my old tricks

The horse I bet on all those years ago
is probably still running round the track
Like the marriage that I gambled on
I'm due my money back
We could've learned, we could've burned
from the firework love ignites
but that sparkler of romance
it proved impossible to light
If your country code or your green cross code
It can leave a lasting mark
History books have showed, follow safety code
and stamp out your final spark

Well the husband that I married once
I should've kept him in a cage
Kept him sitting waiting there
to show the tortoise middle-age

Cause you never back an animal
that struggles on two legs
I'd rather back a stray with three
then one that sits up and just begs

Milk will curdle, cheese go off
expensive wine mature
kids grow up, parents down
husbands turn to tragic bore

Receipts and life insurance all very well
but don't fully cover hate
So you can't return this idiot
When he's past his sell-by-date

The part of love that I'm scared of
is the actual taking off
I can take a bumpy landing
But the start must be soft
soft, soft, soft
It must be soft

Some men need your attention
every minute, every hour
Some women need the proof
in every chocolate, every flower
Are you asking me down your runway?
I'm asking you to be watchtower
tower, tower, tower
to be watchtower
tower, tower, tower

Some men just like the journey
don't care if it's incomplete
Some women like a long trip
Some women short 'n' sweet
But if we lift each other up
Let's make it 10,000 feet
feet, feet, feet
10,000 feet
feet, feet, feet

The reason I'm still down here
and I've never taken off
Is I never had the courage
To rummage through love's loft
loft, loft, loft
The highest loft
loft, loft, loft

Cos when we're finally up there
and the engines have been stopped
the landing won't be fatal
if love's parachute's been dropped
dropped, dropped, dropped
love's been dropped
dropped, dropped, dropped

If you could pull yourself away from that mess
surely if you could pack a punch then you can pack a dress
cause hot on the trail of self pity is wilderness
like hot on the heels of heartbreak is happiness

It's an upward struggle just to be yourself
and if I climb too far I'll end up on the shelf
When sorry's have been said and tears, tears have dried
I'm still the easy route to easy ride

If you could just have a good word with yourself
convince yourself you're you and no-one else
Restore your confidence and your pride
A soldier don't need no-one by their side

It seems as though there's only me to blame
Pushover, must be my middle name
Just because he flushed love down the drain
Doesn't mean your little heart can't be reclaimed

And I know that what I've chosen's second best
And if the passport was there then I'd say yes
But departure leaves a fully feathered nest
this easy bird is easily impressed
this easy bird is easily impressed

Your little wings broken, nest destroyed
The love that he talked of, null and void
If you knew you were a plaything with which they toyed
Your little heart would now be the employed

Next time I choose to love I'll take good aim
Miss out on his sweet talk and his blame
Then when I miss the target I can't complain
It's only the sure-shot actually feels the pain

Little seas can be big seas
to the wrong or long of sight
But the Mediterranean
looks like aspirin tonight

The Doctor told me the chemist
he had nothing for my plight
But the Mediterranean
looks like aspirin tonight

This ocean puts in motion
all our wildest Crusoe thoughts
turns brain to Kontiki
when it's always been left in port

I'd rather be cemented
in deep blue building site
Cause drugs can get you higher
But my chosen drug tonight
Is the reliable Mediterranean
Is the reliable Mediterranean
Is my chosen, my chosen drug tonight

Little voyage can be big voyage
If you sail in the middle of night
But the Mediterranean
needs the compass tonight

It gives cheap thrills to the seagulls
Life to lifes little kites
But the Mediterranean
is my aspirin tonight

Guard your body with the best barbed wire
and ward off foe with the fiercest of fire
But let love unguarded into the strangest of nights

Wear your dresses like they're up for hire
and leave them with your humour in the tumble dryer
and watch yourself stumble down a lane with no lights

School like life, turns some men into mice
What you need now is a little piece of mouse advice

Well they say be wary of strangers
Especially if they offer you sweets
But there ain't no government health warning
on half the mad fuckers you meet
Save yourself personal tragedy
Go back to the man with the sweets
Do yourself schooling favour
head back to the man with the sweets

Those who feared cancer never had much to say
They bored us at parties onto forty a day
They forced us into corners and onto forty a day

The dentist's chair is the only time
that anybody ever looks at their mouth
Let the dentist give their teeth something to chatter about

School like life, turns some men into mice
To avoid the rat-trap. take the mouse's advice

All the secrets we have shared
have moved to a couple better paired
So if he impales himself on javelin or spike
I will try my best to be the perfect lookalike

And if he wants to be smart
and enter a property quiz
Every weed in the garden's mine
But the lawnmower's his
Every weed in the garden's mine
But the lawnmower's his

And if his manhood needs the help of scaffold or even a winch
I will gladly supplement that extra little inch
And if it ever reaches tie-break at the property quiz
If they've got my fingerprints on
They're my tits and fanny not his
If they've got my fingertips on
They're mine not his

Now you've found someone new
May I watch him do what I used to do
So if he dies an ugly death or even if he faints
I'll be there at the window with my face pressed up against

Maybe I shouted too loud
Maybe you were blissfully deaf
But I hope he's a better sport
than he was a ref
1hope he's a better sport
than he was a ref

I hope he likes to fly
and is a good host to every guest
Cause there's less chance of dying in a crash
than being bored to death
Yes there's less chance of dying in a crash
than being bored to death

Now you've found someone new

Well I always knew you'd take the crutches
and not the skis
1 always knew you'd take the stilts
and then your knees
When God gave you the sky
I knew you'd take the trees
Son you've grown those chicken wings
You just can't fly

They anchored our dream yacht to ocean bed
chained our ideal home to bicycle shed
Clamped our racing car before we sat in driver's seat
Tied our shooting stars and wrapped them round a tree

We could've courted Einstein
could've courted Marx
we could've gone for strolls
like other families do in parks
Son you were born a dud
in a family without sparks
Yes you've got those chicken wings
You just can't fly

The chequered flag
that losers despise
never flew in our port
or harboured in our eyes
Cause we always formed that queue
for second prize
This family's got those chicken wings
we just can't fly

Our winning tickets ripped up into shreds
The tale of this family, is its heads
We're bouncing on a pogo stick
without any springs
It hurts me to admit this
but we've got those chicken wings

Yes you've got those chicken wings
and all the luggage that the failure brings
Is a swallow flying high that sings
Look he's got those chicken wings
He may as well die

It's not like moths we crave the light
We just take it cause it's ours
Like the tiger chases human
Like the human chases stars

We're not like bees who profess to love flowers
Then just penetrate and fly
Climb on board, enjoy themselves
Then head toward the sky

Cause moths like us don't love the light
We just hang around and chill
We know the light's not best of friends
But we're suckers for the thrill

That thrill will take the easy route
Then shrivel up and die
Pretend to whet your appetite
Then suck a person dry

So when the subtle walk like cattle
Into the abattoir of broken hearts
Big mouth'll skin you and keep your hide
Cocky rip your innards apart

This heart was purchased from a used car boot sale
This soul from the bottom of a bargain bin
This broken ship of dreams I attempt to sail
Found beneath the crumbs in a mouldy tin

And they say "Look at the state you're in"
But girl it's the state I'm from
Girl if the wagon had a straight set of wheels
I'd be the first to climb on
I'd drive that wagon wave sin goodbye
If on the outer limits of this hope
We had that strength for only one

Whisky and beer and vodka and gin
I gave them all a fair crack of the whip
What started as an innocent test of my strength
Turned into the mightiest of sips

The loneliness of this long distance drinker
Is the trickiest distance to gauge
But don't try caging the stripes of this tiger
When the monkeys hold the keys to the cage

Look at the state that you're in
Girl it's the state that I'm from
Girl if the delta ever ran dry
I'd be the first to jump in
Build me a drawbridge, a ladder, a rope
You be the ski-lift
And I'll try reducing this slope

He's got a loaf of bread, a pint of milk
A bag to put them in
A bike to ride, a house to live
But he hasn't got a friend

He has a coffee table, some dominoes
A joke book on the shelf
But the punchlines have a special twist
When you're telling them to yourself

It's my own crippling shyness that I have to thank
That dealt this hand another Valentine's Day wank
Don't bother with a card, just the keys to the special bank
So the sperm can join up for my annual Valentine's Day wank

There's a film about him from MGM
That millions would've grossed
If they'd set another place
If they could've cast another port
At his lonely Sunday roast

And the actor found to play him
And who looked like him the most
Had passed away some years ago
And was now working as a ghost

You cannot harness beauty raw
When the more was never there
Daily chores last just one hour
When your paddock's cold and bare

When you walked into my life my piano stopped
Not through unwelcome stranger but a penny dropped
I was your beauty that was penny
Held by few but dropped by many
And your homeless eyes so easy to adopt

When I realised the extent of this catch
I had to, I had to catch my breath
Cause I've only seen such raw beauty
Alone, or when close to death

So the blind and the hard of hearing
See no hear no love appearing
And your sweetest taste
Is left confined to this little chef

When I realised you were single
I had to double take
Cause I've new seen real beauty
So far from the fake

When you've lost in high speed chase
Those who only loved your face
There's a pit stop of my love
For when you brake

When the tailback that you hypnotised
Has settled down
And that convoy following classy
Hit a different town

When you've lost in hot pursuit
Those who tailgate all that's cute
You will hear this loving engine's
Little Sound