John Cooper Clarke Album

Gaberdine Angus at the magazine rack
Views the situation from the front to the back
Nobody's looking for the man with the mac
Stick it right back in the stack jack

Gaberdine Angus had a mean trick
Had a mean wang - made women sick
Here's one now - go on act the goat
Gaberdine Angus - open your coat

Why waste words - risk resistance
When you can climax from a distance
Shock tactics - designed to stun
Gaberdine Angus - it isn't done

She don't run - she don't scream
Your pink extremity has gone unseen
She doesn't give the usual nervous cough
So zip up Angus - then zip off.

Fasten your seatbelts says a voice
Inside the plane you can't hear no noise
Engines made by Rolls Royce
Take your choice
...make mine Majorca

Check out the parachutes
Can't be found
Alert those passengers
They'll be drowned
A friendly mug says "settle down"
When i came round i was gagged and bound
...for Majorca

And the eyes caress
The neat hostess
Her unapproachable flip finesse
I found the meaning of the word excess
They've got little bags if you wanna make a mess
I fancied Cuba but it cost me less
...to Majorca

(Whose blonde sand fondly kisses the cool fathoms of the blue mediteranean)

They packed us into the white hotel
You could still smell the polycell
Wet white paint in the air-conditioned cells
The waiter smelled of fake Chanel
Gauloises... garlic as well
says if i like... i can call him "Miguel"
...well really

I got drunk with another fella
Who'd just brought up a previous paella
He wanted a fight but said they were yella'
...in Majorca

The guitars rang and the castinets clicked
The dancer's stamped and the dancer's kicked
It's likely if you sang in the street you'd be nicked
The Double Diamond flowed like sick
Mother's Pride, tortilla and chips
Pneumatic drills when you try to kip
...in Majorca

A stomach infection put me in the shade
Must have been something in the lemonade
But by the balls of Franco i paid
Had to pawn my bucket and spade
Next year I'll take the international brigade
...to Majorca

She didn't like the rib cage / the coat-hanger hips
The razor-sharp shoulder blades / always give her jip
She's reading Edward De Bono under the palms
He sprays Odorono under his arms
I was to say the least alarmed
When the bronze adonis got her...

I lay beneath the parasol / watched him with the chicks
Horsing around with his aerosol / they whispered about his odd trick
"Send no cash... fear no man / you can be a love leviathan"
She's a fan of the man with a tan from a can
The bronze adonis got her

Mr and Mrs Universe / the folks who live in the gym
Each night she sleeps in a room marked her / he sleeps in a room marked him
Muscle bound for stardom / the apollo of your eye
Can't seem to get a hard on / oh Christ i wonder why
The bronze adonis got her

They honeymoon on muscle beach to cries of "beat it mac"
He plucks some puny pansy's peach / how do you like that
The bronze adonis got her

There stands the body gorgeous / men worship girls admire
He bravely bears the scourges and the squelch of squashed desire
What a physical jerk / no time for sex
Where's me bleedin' bullworker, baby oil and leopard kecks
Oh yeah / the bronze adonis got her

Hubba hubba yum yum wow / what a hunk of beef
Who made you the sacred cow / who hangs around his briefs
In the corner sauna / with his mates
Wanking away unwanted weight
That's his idea of a heavy date
The bronze adonis got her

I told you once - don't trust men
They'll do you down - and they'll do it again
When all the dead body heavyness splits your spine
What's your game - what's his line
Late home - no TV
Walk with the zombies - talk to the sea
Sand in your shoes - money in your jeans
It's no good crying over - spilt beans

All the fancy Dan's at the Palais de Dance
Offer you assistance in the firm's vans
With the stupid stories and the bad dream lovers
Clean socks - love their mothers
And the ghost train trashed the tunnel of love
Fingers bleed - better wear your gloves
And wave on wave of Germoline
Says no good crying over - spilt beans

In the mindless misfits mohair sweaters
Poison pens and begging letters
Finger bells - ding ding ding
Like they was in some sort of sling
Paidback - with just one look
A prayer wheel and a big fat book
Tells you not to be clever but clean
And close to the real meaning of the beans

The Three Stooges - the four just men
The Magnificent Seven - the terrible ten
Lord Rockinghams Eleven and the Famous Five
Three Men in a Boat - the good lady wives
Twelve apostles and the iddlers three
Ten Green Bottles and the Three Degrees
And all the oval teenage beauty queens
Crying about everything but - spilt beans

The ring of fear - that's the key
To the anorexia housemaid's knee
Who made groovy gravy oh mother of meat
Since we've wed all I do is eat
Too fat to fuck - sorry about that
I got a scrotum fitted with a thermostat
Switch in the kitchen - giggle and scream
Don't let me hear you - spilt beans

Like a Night Club in the morning, you're the bitter end
Like a recently disinfected shit-house, you're clean round the bend
You give me the horrors
Too bad to be true
All of my tomorrow's
Are lousy coz of you
You put the Shat in Shatter
Put the Pain in Spain
Your germs are splattered about
Your face is just a stain

You're certainly no raver, commonly known as a drag
Do us all a favour, here... wear this polythene bag

You're like a dose of scabies
I've got you under my skin
You make life a fairy tale... Grimm!

People mention murder, the moment you arrive
I'd consider killing you if I thought you were alive
You've got this slippery quality
It makes me think of phlegm
And a dual personality
I hate both of them

Your bad breath, vamps disease, destruction, and decay
Please, please, please, please, take yourself away
Like a death a birthday party
You ruin all the fun
Like a sucked and spat our smartie
You're no use to anyone
Like the shadow of the guillotine
On a dead consumptive's face
Speaking as an outsider
What do you think of the human race

You went to a progressive psychiatrist
He recommended suicide...
Before scratching your bad name off his list
And pointing the way outside

You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart
You're heading for a breakdown
Better pull yourself apart

Your dirty name gets passed about when something goes amiss
Your attitudes are platitudes
Just make me wanna piss

What kind of creature bore you
Was is some kind of bat
They can't find a good word for you
But I can...

TWAT

[No lyrics]

Something is but nothing
Something it is not
Nil plus nil is nothing
Nothings what I got
Nothing on the tele
Nothing going on
Nothing to get worked up about
Nothing by the ton
Nothing times a million
Nothing minus ten
Don't say nothing to no one
It's nothing to do with them
Come all the way from nowhere
And now I'm nowhere else
Where nothing is out of place
No one lives
And nothing smells
Talking to no one
It's like talking to the wall
I give you what I get
I give you bugger all

Their lives are a mystery
They make it their career
In the single files of history
Fall and disappear
Swearing they'll get even
With all those other creeps
Philistines and Heathens
They violently sleep
Or steal from cigarette machines
Just for the change
To get back to where they've been
A doorway in the rain
Back in the confession box
Back in the slums
Desire burns like chicken pox
Underneath the thumbs
A refugee from purgatory
Wears a crown of thorns
Turns out she's a gringo
Of hard circumstance
Limbo Baby Limbo

They want to see you dance
Take the tradesman's entrance
Take it out on a tramp
Every fucking sentence
Complains about the damp
The only girl is a faint cry
In the garden of cement
Wait until the paint dries
It's a big event
Look through heaven's window
With their opalescent panes
Limbo Baby Limbo

Down the Boulevard of shame
Saint Margaret dies intact
Hardly seems alert
Her stone gaze denies the fact
Her face hurts
The extra legal image
The cold cream skin
The regal gimicks
Did you in
Look through heaven's window
You see the powder blue veil
The cover girl of limbo

The sweetheart of the jail
Gypsy babies hop-scotch
Outside the silver gates
The witch doctor's wristwatch
Is stuck at five-to-eight
A bad break, a slight ache
Is every ones compaint
Flesh flakes like angel cake
From mug-shots of the saints
Who fell from a window
Was never seen again
'Til he turns up in limbo

In a doorway in the rain
A hero rides to heaven
The public only rots
For a fraction of forever
In a designated spot
Eternally paralysed
A morbid orbit shift
Halfway to paradise
Stuck in the lifts
Some smart crackin' bimbo
Say's you can't be employed
Sends you off to limbo
On the stairway to a void

[No lyrics]

[No lyrics]