Flight Of The Conchords Album

Some people say that rappers don't have feelings
We have feelings, we have feelings
Some people say that we are not rappers
We're rappers

That hurts our feelings
Hurts our feelings when you say we're not rappers
Some people say that rappers are invincible
We're vincible, we're vincible

What you are about to hear are true stories
Real experiences, autobiographical raps
Things that happened to us, all true
Bring the rhyme

I make a meal for my friends, try to make it delicious
Try to keep it nutritious, create wonderful dishes
Not one of them thinks about the way I feel
Nobody compliments the meal

I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings
I feel like a prized asshole, no one even mentions my casserole
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings
You could've said something nice about my profiteroles

Here's a little story to bring a tear to your eye
I was shopping for a wetsuit to scuba dive
But every suit I tried is too big around the thighs
And the assistant suggested I try a ladies' size

I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings
I'm not gonna wear a ladies' wetsuit I'm a man
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings
Get me a small man's wetsuit please

It's my birthday 2003, waitin' for a call from my family
They forgot about me
I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings
The day after my birthday is not my birthday, mum

I call my friends and say let's go into town
But they're all too busy to go into town
So I go by myself, I go into town
Then I see all my friends they're all in town

I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings
They're all lined up to watch that movie ' Maid in Manhattan'

Have you even been told that your ass is too big?
Have you ever been asked if your hair is a wig?
Have you ever been told you're mediocre in bed?
Have you ever been told you've got a weird shaped head?

Has your family ever forgotten you and driven away?
Once again, they forgot about J
Were you ever called homo 'cause at school you took drama?
Have you ever been told that you look like a llama?

Tears of a rapper, tears of a rapper
I'm crying tears of a rapper, tears of a rapper

Let me tell you

I see you girls checkin' out my trunks
I see you girls checkin' out the front of my trunks
I see you girls lookin' at my junk
Then checkin' out my rump, then back to my sugalumps

When I shake it, I shake it all up
You'd probably think that my pants had the mumps
It's just my sugalump, bump-ba-bump
They look so good, that's why I keep them in the front

All the ladies checkin' out my sugalumps
They drive the ladies crazy

All these bitches checkin' out my britches
Put 'em in a trance when I wear track pants
My dungarees make them hungry
They're over the moon when I don pantaloons

My sugalumps are two of a kind
Sweet and white and highly refined
Honeys try all kinds of tomfoolery
To steal a feel of my family jewelery

My candy balls cause a cafuffle
The ladies, they hussle to ruffle my truffle
If you party with the party prince
You get two complimentary after dinner mints

Girls surround me when I'm standin' on the stoop
Givin' me gifts like free chicken soup
Book tokens, free chicken stoop
Standin' on the corner goin' ss-ah-ss-ah

We see you girls checkin' out our trunks
We see you girls checkin' out the front of our trunks
We see you girls lookin' at our junk
Then checkin' out our rumps, then back to our sugalumps

Chillin' in my store, doing my thing
When in walks a guy with his dick in a sling
I'm like, "Holy shit, what happened to you?"
He said, "How much will you give me for the family jewels?"

I said, "Ten bucks", he said, "No way"
Ten bucks and frisbee? He said, "Okay"
And I took his sugalumps and put them up in a display
And sold them as hacky sacks later that day

All the ladies, they want a taste of my sugalumps
Sweet sugalumps, yeah
All the ladies, they want a taste of my sugalumps
Sweet sugalumps, yeah

I think i've fallen in love with a girl, its serious
Oh thats great news Bret, tell me bout that girl thats so serious
Well I don't really know her
Oh, that don't sound so serious
It's serious, I'm delirious
Sounds serious
Ya
Thats cool, I met a new girl too
Have you?
Ya
One of those girls you met on the net?
No, we really met
Well thats great news, whats she like? What does she do?
All I know dawg, is that shes careless with her dog
I'm not sure what she does, except she makes me want her
She makes me want to get on top of her
Oh that sounds great man, thats sounds great
Hey, wait
What
Maybe I'm crazy, but when did you meet this lady?
Just then
When?
Then
Right then?
Right then
When?
Then
Over there?
Over there
Over there there?
Over there there there
Just now?
Just now
How'd you meet your lady?
I was going for a jog then she lost a dog
I was running in the air and she lost a terrier
Was this about 20 seconds ago?
No, about 23 seconds ago
Ooooh No, Oh no
Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, no no what?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
No, I'm thinking what I'm thinking
So your not thinking what I'm thinking?
No, cause your thinking I'm thinking what your thinking
Are you talking bout a girl with a beautiful smile?
Ya
Like strawberry wine?
Ya, Ya
Blueberry track suit pants?
White chocolate skin?
And socks?
That sounds like her
Hang on a minute
Stop the track
Eugene, stop the track
Do you meen the girl who came up to us when we were running in the park just now and she was looking for her epileptic dog?
Ya, thats the girl
Was her name Brahbrah?
No, I think it was Barbera
Her name was Brahbrah
It was Barbera, there's no such name as Brahbrah
Its Brahbrah
Its Barbera
Brahbrah
Barbera
Brahbrah
Barbera
Bret, she was looking at me
No, she was looking at me
Bret, she was looking at me, she had her eye on my knee
Dawg, I am sorry, she had her eye on my guns
How come she was checkin out my buns
No bro, she had her eye on me
She had her eye on me
Well how could she have her eye on both of us?
Wait a minute, you talkin bout the girl with the lazy eye?
I think she might have had a slight little lazy eye
We're both in love with a sexy lady with an eye thats lazy
The girl thats fly with a wonky eye
Shes smokin with an eye thats broken, I think it's hot
The way she looks left alot
Ya
Ya
Ya
Ya

Girl...
I'm going to take the month of August off...
Just to get you off...

I'm freaky...
I'm gunna clear the table top...
We're going to need a mop...
I'm freaky...

Lets take a photo of a goat in boat then we can float in the moat and be freaky... (freaky)
Lets take my body and we'll cover it with honey stick some money to the honey now I'm covered in money honey.
I go outside onto the ledge and push my ass against the glass and you can act like you don't know me.
I take a cup and then I put it on my head and just I stand there being freaky with a cup on my head.

I told you I was freaky
'I told you he was freaky baby'
You didn't believe me
'Don't look at me'
I told you I was freaky
'Yeah look at me'
Girl, let's get freaky.

Lets make two life-sized cardboard cutouts of our bodies and then pose them into sensual positions.
Ill paint the wallpaper pattern onto your naked skin, stand against the wallpaper and get off like chameleons.
Ill flip some clips on my lips
Ill clips some chips to your hips
I nibble chips off your hips, and watch the moon eclipse

Ill go outside and get some leaves and pretend to be a tree.
You can be a squirrel, and store my nuts for me.

I told you I was freaky
'He told you he was freaky baby'
You didn't believe me
'Take that off'
I told you I was freaky
'Put this on'
Girl, I do this shit weekly.

I wanna fly so high, in the sky, and see what our love brings
Ill steal my roommates pillow feathers and make some homemade wings.
Gonna fly so high on make-shift pillow wings.
Girl can you believe we're flying,
on home-made pillow wings?

Owww

Here I am all dressed in snake skin, I'm in your kitchen makin' love to your cake-tin.
Oh, no! Is the one you bake in?
I told you I was freaky, did you think I was fakin'?
At 8pm I put my underpants on eBay,
at half past 9 I hold a seance in you're hallway,
at 10 o'clock I ask some ghosts for a three-way
Yes it's creepy, I told you I was freaky.

Oww. Oww Oww Oww.

I told you I was freaky baby.

Demon woman, demon woman

Demon woman your hair is like silk but you're curdling my milk
I know not of what wilt thou are
(Demon woman, woman demon)
Demon woman, you sit on a rock, looking nice in your frock
But you're scaring my life stock
(Demon woman, woman demon)

Demon woman, you're making me moan, turn my bone into stone
And you're taking me home, to meet your familiars
Nice to meet you, you cast your spell very well
(Demon woman, demon woman, woman demon)

Demon woman, you cut puppies toes off, pull an animal's nose off
How'd you magic my clothes off?
Demon woman, take me back to your room
Make me howl at the moon, make me pray to the temple of womb
(Demon woman, woman demon)

Your breasts are balls of flame and I'm burning my hands
Playing these ball games
(Demon woman, demon woman, demon woman, woman demon)

How woman, wow, wow, wow, oh
How woman, wow, wow, wow
How woman, wow, wow, wow, oh

I was wandering through the streets of the city
Rambling through the avenues of time
When from nowhere my eyes fell onto a girl, and by chance her eyes fell onto mine
(Ehh)
So I sat and I acted all nonchalant
She smoked her lavender cigarette
Reading the future that lay in my hands, as my shadow played a bass clarinet
(Where are you going with this Bret?)
We waltzed down a moonlit boulevard
Just two silhouettes in the mist
(Oh yes)
Days went by and years went by
Moments went by when we kissed
(When was this?)
She said "your beard is woven of heartache"
And we'll drink for the lonely, tonight
And the moon is a horny old drunkard
(Uh Bret, could you please move over to your right?)
We drank dandelion wine and we reminisced about the moment when we first met that day
(I'm trying to watch TV)
Then we reminisced about how we first reminisced
(Oh yea? Sounds a bit gay)
She handed me a broken memory
A keepsake to forever-more save
That a brief taste of love is as sweet as any
And with that she made her way

She said her name was a secret
Then she said her name was Cherie
(Is her middle name Cherie?
So its a secret Cherie? Maybe?)
Hmm maybe
(What'd she look like?)
She looked like a Parisian river
(What, dirty?)
She looked like a chocolate eclair
(Thats rare)
Her eyes were reflections of eyes
(Ohh nice)
And the rainbows danced in her hair
(Oh yea)
She reminded me of a winter's morning
(What, frigid?)
Her perfume was Eau De Toilette
(What does that mean?)
She was comparable to Cleopatra
(Quite old?)
She was like Shakespeare's Juliet
(What 13?)
The bohemians of SoHo did pirouettes, as we waltzed through the streets of Manhattan
On rivers of ribbon and sailboats of songs
(Bret, did any of this actually happen?)
The girl I described, she's as real as the wind
Its true, I saw her today
The other details are inventions
Because I prefer her that way

Fashion, fashion, style
Look, look, look

I'm the edge, I'm the chic, I'm the taste
I'm larger than life with just a hint of lace
I'm the vanguard, I'm the air, I'm the vogue
I'm the shi, shi, ooh, oui, I, I'm the man a la mode

President Reagan
Thatcher, Thatcher
Jazzercise, lip gloss
Ooh, ooh, ooh

You think you know fashion
Well, fashion's a stranger
You think fashion's your friend
My friend, fashion is danger

Posing, posing at the bar
Posing, posing sitting down
Posing, posing in the distance
Posing, posing with my arm

Posing, posing with my leg
Posing, posing like a swan
Posing, posing for a portrait
Posing a threat

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, yeah

You think you know fashion
Well, fashion's a stranger
You think fashion's your friend
My friend, fashion is danger

Moscow, Berlin, Paris, London
Tokyo, Wellington, Rome, Geneva
New York city
New, New, New, New York city

Petrov, Yelyena, and me. Lost, but happy, at sea
Petrov and Yelyena said to me "Shouldn't we have something to eat?"

Well, I say "There are plenty of fish in the sea"
But all they can see... is me.

They say, "Any last requests?" Biding my time, I say "Yes.
I want to party, just we three. Lost, but happy at sea."

So we drank all night from the keg
I passed out, then awoke with one leg
I said, "Petrov, have you seen my leg?"
He said "No" and he went back to bed....
But he looked suspiciously well fed.

Three days later they were hungry again
They said, "Any last requests, again, my friend?"
I said, "Do you know any Rolling Stones?
You know, like you're at a rock concert going 'More, more!'"

*Spoken* "Ahh, it was a hilarious hilarious moment in a very bleak bleak time of my life."
Lyrics
So we danced all night to the Rolling Stones,
when I awoke they were chewing on bones.
Yelyena was supping blood from a cup,
that's when I knew something was up.

*Spoken* "Hey Petrov?"
"What?"
"What is that you're eating?"
"Nothing"
"It looks likea meat."
"Ohhhhh, this? It's umm, one of those, umm.....fish."
"How come it looks so much like my arm?"
"It's an.... arm fish."
"What about the fingers?"
"Fish fingers."
"Well, you see, the thing is, my arm seems to haveabeen hacked off at the elbow last night. I was just wondering if you might have seen it."
"Oh, yeah, look at that, no arm over there. Oh... don't you hate it when that happens? I don't know, um... you were very drunk last night. Perhaps you lost it?.. In a fair game of chance."
"Oh, you're probably right."
"Yeah, you know how it is when we're drunk."
"Yeah"
"'You say 'I'll bet my arm'"
"Oh."
"Just relax. Enjoy the sea, and have some more... fish."

Four months now lost at sea,
my friends have almost finished me.
Now they are using recipes....

*Spoken* Tonight, we are having some 'me goering'

"But wait, this 'You Goering' is absolutely delicious. You should come over here right away and try some, you really would be proud of yourself."
"How can I?! You have eaten all of my leg!"
"OoOooooOooooh... someone obviously isn't getting any."

Late that night, while they were asleep,
I swallowed some arsenic to poison my meat
I was very ill, but revenge is so sweet...
Unlike the last meal my comrades would eat.

*Spoken* "Yes, eat it all up. Not so sweet all of a sudden, hmm?"

When I awoke, they were already dead
All that was left of me was my head...
No, not dead, just a head.
Lost, but happy, at sea.
Lost, but lonely, at sea.
Lost, but so lonely...
At sea

Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks!
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks!
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks!

[Jemaine]
Going to the party
Sippin' a Bacardi
Wanna meet a hottie
But there's Adam, Steve and Marty
There's Billy, Todd and Tommy
They're on leave from the army
The only boobs I see tonight will be made of origami

[Bret]
Tell the players, make it understood
It ain't no good if there's too much wood
Make sure you know before you go
The dance floor bro-ho ratio
5 to 1 is a "brodeo"
Tell Steve and Mike its time to go
Wait outside all night to find
20 dudes in a conga line

Too many dicks on the dance floor
Easy to fix!
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Spread out the dicks!

[Dave]
Too many dudes with too many dicks
Too close to my shit, too hard to meet chicks
I need better odds, more broads, less rods
I came to do battle, skedaddle with the cattle prods

[Jemaine]
Too many men, too many boys
Too many misters, not enough sisters
Too much time on too many hands
Not enough ladies, too many mans

[Jemaine]
Too many dicks
Too many dongs
Too many schlongs
Now sing this song

Oooohooooh
Its a cold night, beneath the street light, there's a man whose pants are too tight
Oh no, his pants are too tight
My pants are too tight
He stands there, an empty stare, trying to make enough money for his cab fare home
He'll have to walk home tonight
Don't have enough for the ride
The streets are cruel, he tries to act cool, he goes to work with only his one tool
You can put away your tool, Jemaine

You don't have to be, a prostitute
No no no no no
You can say no, to being a man hoe
A male gigolo
You don't have to be, a prostitute
No no no no no
You can say no to being a night looker, boy hooker, rent boy, bro, hoe

He can't see his way out
I can not see my way out
He can't see his way out
Male prostitution seems to be my only option
He can't see his way out
I can not see my way out
He can't see his way out
No, no, no, no, no

He sends cheep thrills, to pay expensive bills
But check your résumé, you must have some other skills
Do you have any other skills?
Like typing?

They see him, want him to please them, want him to play them, but they don't even pay him
Oh no, they don't think he's worth it at all
Don't think I know when, he tries to bring them home, maybe that would be a way if he lived alone
Oh, you have a roommate Jemaine, don't bring them home

You don't have to be, a prostitute
No no no no no
You can say no, to being a man hoe
A male gigolo
You don't have to be, a prostitute
No no no no no
You can say no to being a night looker, boy hooker, rent boy, bro, hoe

Friends sing together, la, la, la, la
Friends do things together, la, la, la, la
Friends laugh together, ha, ha, ha, ha
Friends make graphs together, la, la, la, la

Friends help you when you're in danger
Friends are people who are not strangers
Friends help you shift into a new place
Tell you if you've got food on your face

Friends are the ones on whom you can depend
He's my friend, he's not my friend
Friends are the ones who are there in the end
He's my friend, they're not my friends

If you trip over I'll catch you fall
If you kick my dick I won't break your balls
If you get drunk and vomit on me
I'll make sure you get home safely

If you cross the road and a truck struck you
I'll scrape you up and reconstruct you
I'll cheer you up if your depressed
If you get murdered I'll avenge your death

Friends walk together, la, la, la, la
Pop and lock together, zhu, zu, zee zhu
Me and him together, la, la, la, la
Me and Jim forever

Friends go jogging at the track
Friends borrow money never pay it back
Friends do not let friends to crack
Friends go out and grab a snack

Friends drink beer in the sun
And like girlfriends that don't mind if you have more than one
Friends tell you when your fly's undone
Murry your fly's undone

My uncle John had a special friend
They dressed alike his name was Ben
I've never seen two friends like them
They were very, very friendly men

La, la, la, la, friends, friends, friends
La, la, la, la, friends, friends, friends, friends
La, la, la, la, friends, friends, friends, friends
La, la, la, la, friends
La, la, la, la, ping

Loretta broke my heart in a letter
She told me she was leaving and her life would better
Joan broke it off over the phone
After the tone she left me alone

Jen said she'd never ever see me again
When I saw her again she said it again
Jan met another man
Lisa got amnesia just forgot who I am

Felicity said there was no electricity
Emily, no chemistry
Fran ran, Bruce turned out to be a man
Flo had to go, I couldn't go with the flow

Carol Brown just took a bus out of town
But I'm hoping that you'll stick around

He doesn't cook or clean
He's not good boyfriend material
We can eat cereal, he loses interest fast
His relationships never last
Shut up, girlfriends from the past

He says he'll do one thing
And then he goes and does another thing
Who organized all of my ex-girlfriends into a choir
And got them to sing? Who? Who?
Mmm, shut up, shut up girlfriends from the past

Mimi will no longer see me
Britney, Britney hit me
Paula, Persephone, Stella and Stephanie
There must be fifty ways that lovers have left me

Carol Brown just took a bus out of town

Love is a delicate thing
It could just float away on the breeze
He said the same thing to me, how can we ever know
We've found the right person in this world?
He means, he looks at other girls

Love is a mystery, it does not follow a rule
This guy is a fool, he'll always be a boy
He's a man who never grew up
I thought I told you to shut up?

Mona, you told me you were in a coma
Tiffany, you said that you had an epiphany

Would you like a little cereal?
Who organized this choir of ex-girlfriends?
Was it you, Carol Brown?
Was it you, Carol Brown?

Carol Brown just took a bus out of town
But I'm hoping that you'll stick around

there are angels in the clouds
doin' it

there are angels
doin' it doin' it doin' it doin' it doin' it doin' it doin' it
in the clouds

behind the shroud of the clouds
foolin' 'round

in the clouds they're lying
feathers flyin'
angels sighin'

there are angels (ah ah ah)
well there are angels (going down up there)
ooh, angels (getting jiggy with it)

nobody knows what goes on under those robes
pushin' and puffin' and huffin' and heavin'
in heaven

(pushin' and puffin' and huffin' and heavin' in heaven)

up there they're playing the lovin' game
makin' rain
turning white clouds gray

doin' it