Dane Cook Album

YES!...Yes..yes..yes. Yes..Yes..Y-E-S. Yes.
We are going to have a relationship tonight.
I'm gonna go out with you. We're gunna date for a while.
We're gonna make sweet, sweet comedy love with each other.
And then suddenly without warning I'm not even gunna call you guys
anymore. The last thing you will have heard me say was,
"hey, i'll call you guys later" and I never call.
But you hear from the grapevine, I'm dating a younger, sexier crowd.
And then I'm really happy, but I'm not happy cuz I think about you guys.
And about a year from now, I'm gonna call weeping in the middle
of the night, "(sniff)you were the best crowd I ever had...(sniff)
you really listened to me...and I didnt know the crowd I had til you
despersed." Then we're gonna get together, were gonna hang out,
and maybe we'll all like, ya know, run around town and smash windows
and cause destruction. And I'll make jokes and one of you guys will turn
and be like, "Haha, Dane your a riot!" and I'll go,
"IM A RIOT? YOUR A FUCKING RIOT!"
GET IT?
Thats how things are gonna go down tonight!

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true.
I finally got to see something I've always wanted to witness live.
I finally saw someone get hit by a car.
Nailed, this guy got hit right in the hip.
That's your center of gravity and that sends you flipping through the air
like Eddie Gordo from Tekken when someone doesn't know
how to do combos and they're just hitting the buttons randomly.

I always just miss it, right?
I'm looking, and then I go to order my twisty cone.
*Collision noise*
Oh what, what happened?!
The guy got hit? No.
I just went to order my twisty cone and I missed it.

This guy gets nailed.. this is the setup.
He's walking down the street and he's doing that whacky speed walk...
he's got the buds in his ears, and I don't know what you're listening to
that makes you do this fucking walk.
Maybe just a tambourine or maracas.
You're just.. *shookashookashookashooka*.
So Johnny Tambourine is walking down the street,
he's got the "not a good time to cross" signal.
As he's going across, I see the car *car noise* coming down the street.
When I see the car coming, I'm like...
"Yesssss finally. don't talk to me. don't talk to me I gotta see this."
*collision noise*

The guy goes flying into the air, his shoes flew off.
When you get hit by a car, sometimes your shoes will fly off.
Sometimes your pants will come off.
But I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion on this strike.

And before I go any further, here's the best part.
This is how he lands on the other side of the car
which was a dodge by the way,
and I thought that was kind of funny and ironic.
I just -- I got a little humor out of that.
I did try to help this man.
as the car was coming towards him I reached out and I said,
"ohhhhh. ohhhhh."
That's all I could think of to say.
Theres so many things now in retrospect that I would love
I would love to have been like "you're about to get struck by a vehicle!!!"
I did not have time to say "You're about to get struck by a vehicle"
so I went with "ohhhhh!" which is like a concerned moan.

The guy gets tagged okay, the greatest part of the story.
He's in the air flipping around,
this is how he lands on the other side of the car.
He comes down perfectly on his feet and then he jumps in the air
and he starts walking around, embarassed.
He's trying to play it off like he didn't just get hit, by a car.

People around him are like...

--"Oh my god! Oh my god! Are you alright? Are you okay?"
He's like ...
--"I'm fine, I'm fine. Seriously, I'm fine. I'm a little bit hungry.
But uh other than that I'm fi-"
--"No you should really sit down, you're bleeding from the ears."
--"I know, I know that. I do that.
Every couple of weeks I empty the blood out of my own head,
it's tradition in my family. Has anyone seen my shoes?
I kicked them off in a fit of joy.
I love getting struck by vehicles and sometimes
I'll kick my shoes off in a fit of joy.
I'm fine I'm just gonna go over here and puke shards of my own
pelvis into this bush."
*puking noises*

We laugh, but we love violence in this country we like violence.
We have those little violent tendencies.
Im not the only person,
I know your like me when you see somebody walking down the street
Wearing a Superman T-shirt, you just wanna shoot them in the chest.
And when they start to bleed go, "I guess not."
Dont wear the shirt. Wear a shirt that says,
"I bleed if you shoot me in the chest plate".
And i will not shoot you in the chest plate.
Superbleeder. Hahaha, I called him Superbleeder.

There are some things I have learned in my recent past
that I’m excited to share with you tonight,
and one thing I’ve realized is that we all want to leave behind a legacy;
we all want to be remembered for something.
And then I was thinking going, “How can I be remembered?”
and then I suddenly realized you can do it on a daily bases,
even if it’s one on one with people.
For example, the other day, I saw a young boy,
and he was eating an ice cream cone,
I ran up and I smashed it into his face,
I leaned in, I go, “You remember me forever!” and I ran away.
Cause you know when he’s 50, he’s gonna be like,
“One day a man ran up to me, I did not know this man,
he smashed my treat into my eyes. And he pointed and said,
"You fuckin remember me forever."”
But I did not say fuckin, I did not say that.
He added fuckin to make the story more intense and interesting.
He deserves to have ice cream smashed in his face,
cause he’s a lying 50 year old man. I did NOT say fuckin.

Here’s another way to be remembered, again, this one is more personal,
it’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you...
but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters.
Next time you go to a party, a great big party,
go into the room where all the coats are, and shit on the coats...
Guaranteed at some point somebody is going to walk outta that room
and go,
“SOMEONE SHIT ON THE COATS…. SOMEONE HAS SHIT ON THE COATS”
That’s the only thing you can say when someone shits on the coats,
“Someone shit on the coats.” They might say,
“I think someone shit on the coats", but you know…
You just don’t want to be the bearer of bad news,
“I think someone may have shit on or around the coats area,
there’s a smell of shit around the perimeter, the vicinity of coats.
Leading me to believe that someone has shit...”
But again you’re there, you’re there watching it all happen,
and it’s your job, all you’re going to do at some point,
you’re going to lean in and go, “What!?!”
And then blend back into the crowd...
“What?! I hope that it wasn’t on my coat.”
And then, boom, you’re a phantom, you just disappear, disappear.

One thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little,
I've always wanted to be abducted by a UFO.
Yeah sometimes, I just go hang out in the woods.
Im just waiting for that blue light (UFO noise) AHHHHHH.
Thats how they suck you up, by a beam of light.
They suck you up by your chest. and thats not nessecary,
through a rope ladder down, I'll climb up.
I'm interested, I'm here for you.
Don't suck me up by my chest, that hurts.
ou're a hovering craft,
why wouldnt I come in and poke around for a minute.

It would be great to be abducted, what did you guys do this weekend?
Dude we got hammered, it was awesome.
Oh yeah, I was abducted. I was zippin around the galaxy. haha.

Sometimes if I think about, if UFO's come down,
I get a little concerned because then I thought this scenario,
this would be the altimate, full circle, slap in the face of the united states.
What if this happens, because look, we're the greatest country on earth,
but we get a little cocky from time to time...
if we don't like the way your country is doin its business,
we'll kick the door in, (door noise)

Hey, hey, knock it off, you're buggin the world, cut it out.
And if you don't listen to us, well through all kinds of weapons
and crazy shit at 'cha...
which we always apologize about using 20 or 30 years later,
listen we're really sorry about that, we were a little drunk at the time,
and we got a little rambunchous. the bomb,
we didnt know it was gonna do that.
we thought it was a contained blast and we didnt know
it would make everything blow into smitherines...
and you were being kinda a bitch, country, country,
you were being kinda a bitch.
Are we cool now? Do you mind if we leave 3/4 thousand toops and
maybe some supplies here,
you dont mind that do ya? DO YA MIND???
You wouldnt want us to get drunk again would ya!?
High five us, photo op, (CHING)

We get a little ha, we get a little cocky, what if this happens, oh my god,
what if this happens.
what if the mother ship, (booooooom) comes over middle america,
and we're all sitting watching tv,
all the news crews are focus'd in and were sitting there watching,
what if when the hatches finally open (chaaaaa)
outta the UFO's come thousands of 100 foot native american indians?!

We're gonna be watching like.. FUCK those are huge indians.
Please tell me there not giant indians, god damnit there huge indians,
alright good game america, we had some fun huh?

Hi giant indians, we did some shit...and...uhhhh....ah aha ha.
.....could you show us how to make giant corn!!??

I've always wanted to uh.. upper cut a punkass.
And send him flying onto a table, preferably with a cake or a
bowl of punch on it.
And then it would break, and this would take place at a party, dance,
ghalla event.

This is a direct quote that I want to recieve someday from someone.
And I want them to mean it, when they say this.
And I dont know what it is yet, but I want this reaction,
"Are You Out of Your Fucking Mind?!"
And then I want to do whatever the action is,
and then I want them to follow that up by saying,
"You Really Are Out of your Fucking Mind!!"
Maybe shove some fireworks in my pants,
"Hey Hey Are you out of your fucking mind?"
Shhh, *firework noises*
"You Really Are out of yuor fucking mind! Oh, he just let fireworks off
in his pants, he really is out of his fucking mind!."

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By a round of applause, How do you feel?
*cannot decipher* for Dane Cook!
What's happenin'?
Sit, everybody sit. We have to make sure we're okay.
Don't want anyone to get hurt before the Dane Train's in motion.
Gonna be back, let me stretch.

The other day, I don't know if you've ever gotten this, it was about 2:30
in the afternoon. I got the itchy-est asshole I've ever gotten on record.
And I keep a record of my itchy assholes. May 14, 1985, I had a very itchy
asshole. This one ousted it, GET OUTA HERE!...old itchy asshole. Oh it's the
worst isn't it? Agh you just feel..usually your at work or some place that you
can't focus on it. You gotta do some other activities, right. The entire day
you try to bounce around. Try to shake it out.

I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day.
Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the
number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly."
Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't. Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight
and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." *Shwwooosh* and zip up into
the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."

I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow.
Low fuel. Balls are empty.

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to
be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. *Pppthhh.* 'Cause no one
wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's
very rude I'll be like, you know what? *PPpptthhh* Enjoy your spaghetti
you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, 'cause you're rude. *Pppttthh*

These are all dreams. These are all things we want to have.
(To man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would
you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God
you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to
cover him with spaghetti right now. *Ppppttthh* Enjoy your spaghetti,
you're very egotistical.

Ahhh, Christ. *pause* (to man in audience) Not you.

So I'm hangin' out with all of my buddies, and uh, I realize something,
I realize something. Think of the group of people you've known
the longest in your life. Think of the group of friends you've hung out
with the most, maybe you're all here tonight.
And this is what I realized, I had an epiphany, and here it is, right here:
There is one person, in every group of friends, that nobody fucking likes.
You basically keep them there, to hate their guts.
When that person is not around the rest of your little base camp,
your hobby, is cutting that person down.

Example: "Karen, is always a douchebag."

Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche.
And when she's not around, you just look at each other and say,
"God, Karen, she's such a douchebag!".
Until she walks up, then you're like,

"Hey, what's up Kar-? Kar-. What's up Kar-?"

There's always that one person - and I'm lookin' out and some of guys
are like "Umm, I disagree."
Well you're the person - You're the person nobody likes.

[Person from audience mumbles] "That's so true."

I know, it is so true, and that's why it's funny.
It is so true, that's why it's funny, because, it's so true, hence, funny.
Your whole life that person has been there.
That's how Brian is in our group. Nobody likes Brian.
Yet everywhere we go, Brian would show up,
even if we didn't tell him where we were going.
We would go someplace and he would do that I Just Found You run.
"H-h-h-h-hi guys. What's up guys?"
And one of us would always see him and warn the rest of the group.
We'd be like,

"Fucking Brian is coming."
"What?"
[whispered] "Fucking Brian is coming."

That's his name, Fucking Brian Is Coming.
I heard a rumor, when he was born, even the doctor said,
"Fucking Brian is coming. Let's get this demon seed out of here."
That's what I'm saying - quote, unquote.
And you can quote me on the quote, unquote.

Weve always had creepy people around; somewhere in your life theres
a creepy individual, and it starts off when we're youngins.
When we're youngins theres a creepy person.
Back in school.. back in the day... which, by the way,
I dont know if you know this, was a Wednesday.
Thats a little fun fact.
Yeah, when you refer to back in the day, it was a Wednesday.
Take that home, chew it.. its delicious.
Back when we were little tots there was always that one kid in school,
that kid in class, smelt like piss. ..Right?
Robby was his name.. Robby or Obby.
He was an Obby name... And Obby didnt just smell like a hint of piss.
He didn't smell like a smidgen of piss.
That kid smelt like he was dipped in a vat of piss.
Like he woke up that morning and said, “Woah, bring on the piss!”.
And someone brought on the piss.
I don’t know who would bring piss on, but you can pretty much
hire anybody on Google these days ta...
Just type in piss painters or something and im sure somebody would
come over and coat you down, put a sheet of piss on ya for a reasonable
price. .. He would steal from the class.
He was a FUCKIN THEIF. A FUCKING, STEALING, THEIF.
He would use his piss vapor as a way to detour you from watching
him STEAL SHIT from the class.. cause hes a theif, a klepto thief Obby...
He would always take my favorite markers, those smelly markers.
Remember those? The teacher would put them out, everybody would freak.
Give me the red one! Give me the red one! (snuhh haha snuhhhh)
This smells like cherries. (Snuhh) I guarantee you this, its like cherries,
but it’s a marker. (Snuhh) Give me the brown one; ill trade you.
Give me the.. (snuhh).. cinnamon! This ones cinnamon.
The brown is cinnamon (snuhh). How do they do this? How do they do this?
But the black one always smelled like an asshole, didn’t it?
Youd grab the black one (snuhh) - What is that? (snuhh)
It’s a bag of asses. (snuhh) Im keepin this, this ones mine. (snuhh)
I cant stop guys, I cant! (snuhh) I just saw Jesus’s eyes.
This marker has shown me Jesus’s eyes!...
And even though this marker smelt like an asshole,
and you just saw Jesus’s eyes...
there was still a kid following you around – Can I smell it? Can I smell?
What does it smell.. I didn’t get uhh.. Can I just uh.. Uhhh…
Can I smell Uhhhh..
And finally he would aggravate you till you were like – Here, fine, smell it!
And when he leaned in you would be like – Arrrggggg!
Hahaha, nice face! Im gonna puke blood, what are you?
WHAT ARE YOU? Arrg..

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Let's talk a little bit about L-O-V-E.
Sometimes, you meet somebody and you have what is known as a
"relationship" and things can go great and if it goes great,
then you have a great relationship.
Sometimes, it doesnt go so great, and I like to call that a "relationshit".
When you're not in love, you don't have love,
everybody you know falls in love.
On like, the same day.
Even Karen the Douchebag falls in love.
Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting
married on their front lawn.
As you drive by - "What? The 'Tards just got married on their lawn.
That's great. I have nobody, and the 'Tards just committed to each
other for a lifetime of tardiness."
Or is that, they're late for everything. I don't know, could be.
I came up with the perfect analogy, right here.
This is what it feels like when you don't have love,
it's like there's a party going on and everyone was invited,
except for you. And you just happen to be walking by that house,
in the rain ...
"Ohh. I wasn't invited to this party."
That's what that feels like. But then again, once you're in love,
you know what that's like?
That's like being inside the party going,
"Where's my jacket? I wanna get out of here. Where's my jacket?
I've been at this party for six years and I wanna see other parties.
Where's my jacket? Someone shit on the coats!
I think someone shit on, about, or around the coats."
"What?"

There's certain things in a person that turn you on.
They're called turn-on's. Teeth. I love a girl with nice teeth.
If you have a nice set of teeth, that's a turn-on for me.
If you open your lips and it's like "fchank fchank fchank",
if it's like a booby trap -
I don't like when you open your mouth and it's like a battle of epic
proportions goin' on and your teeth are all screamin' at each other.

"I'm a molar, wisdom tooth, get the fuck out of my gums!"

"Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside, past the lips.
I enjoy a nice sea brezze from time to time."

"Ahh! I'm the crazy yellow tooth that looks like corn!
Don't brush me! Don't brush me! I have an imagine to uphold.
Don't brush me, I'm yellow. I'm a yellow fang."

Turn-on's. Then there's something called turn-off's and those are things
that turn you off.
If you were a droid, "uhnneww", you'd be turned off.
Like right off the bat, number one thing I don't like:
I don't like a stinky pussy. It's a turn-off.
I don't appreciate that.
Ladies, I'm sure you don't like a funky sack.
But then again, that'd be a great couple.

"You have a stinky pussy!"
"Smell my sack!"
"Ugh!"
"Huh?"

Turn-on's slash turn-off's - that's what we're talking about right now.

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Am i the only person here who loves to watch a couple together
that hates each others guts?
That has to be the most entertaining thing when you see two people
that just hate each other ..together,
and look we've all been there everybodys been in that situation
where you will stay with somebody you dont even like them.
Two weeks in and already you like "pshh", no way.
I cant stand this peroson,
I'll hang around for 5 or 6 years then we can end this thing violantly.
I got time. Girls you make the craziest excuses to stay,
your friends will try and get you out of it...
"Why dont you just go? Seriously Jill just go, Jill? He's a jerk off.
Just take your shit and go."
Your like "I cant just go Kim, its not that simple, my cd's are in his truck
I can't just walk away from 40 or 50 cd's.
Its gonna take 2 or 3 more years of a abuse until I can leave with my cd's."
That couple is the best, they fight over everything.
Every little thing- huge explosion.
And its not even about the thing, its about the fact that they wanna stab
eachother in the neck with a steak knife because they hate eachother's
existance. They get in what I call "nothing fights."
Fights about absolutely nothing.
Right, you see them waiting in line for the movie theatre.
They hold hands, but its not loving at all. Its like this rigamortis,
romatioid athritis, red rover grip that they got going on.
And everything's an arguement.
"I should probably bring my jacket, I might get cold."
"You bring your fucking jacket. Ya think. Do ya think?
Yes. What if they're pumpin' AC in there, and then your cold
I have to go out and I miss the previews cause I gotta get your
fuckin' jacket. Bring your jacket."
I love nothing fights. The best nothing fight I have ever seen in my life.
I was at the supermarket a few months ago and I'm going down the aisle
and I'm at the Stoffer's Fresh Bread Pizzas,
and I'm deciding do I want four cheese or one cheese.
Cause sometimes, I like a lot of cheese. Sometimes,
I like a dancing pluffera of cheese in my mouth.
And then sometimes, I'm into a more solo cheese adventure.
Just a single, one on one. Me and one cheese.
Then sometimes I want an orgy of cheese on my plate.
So as I'm standing there, contemplating my cheese future,
I hear the nothing fight going on in the next aisle.
I dont know exactly what they are saying, but I hear mumbles and
grumbles.
Ok. I hear the guy going "*grumbles*" and I hear the girl she's like
[girl voice] "*grumbles*care...*more grumbles* care...I dont even care...
*even more grumbles*care.." [guy] "*grumbles*...care.
I dont even care *grumbles again* care..."
I hear the nothing fight. I start getting so excited.
I'm like I gotta go watch this, I gotta go see this.
I'm so excited I leave my cart. You never leave your cart.
God forbid somebody comes into the store and wants exactly that shit.
And they're like "What. Jackpot. This is everything I wanted."
I'm peeking around the Intimate cookies and I'm watching the best nothing
fight that I've ever been a part of.
They're in eachother's face. Ok, and the guy is saying to the girl and
he's doing it like this
"Do we have any jelly in the house? Do we or do we not have jelly.
You said we did last time. I'm looking in the cabinets and I dont see
any god damn jelly. I just wanna know if we have any jelly in the house."
And she's egging him on, she's like [girl voice]
"I dont even like jelly. I dont even like jelly. I get hives if I even look at
jelly. Wha--I dont even know about jelly. I've never even--What is jelly.
I dont even care." And he's like
"I dont even give a shit about the hives. I want jelly in the fuckin' house.
Stat. Pronto. Tonite. I dont give a--I will break your neck and pour
jelly all over your body and pray to the gods of jelly to burn your soul
in a jelly like hell. Now get the jelly!"
I'm so excited, I'm eating the Intimates out of the box.
I've opened a box and I am eating.
"I'll pay for it. Relax. I know you're concerned, but I paid."
This is the point during the nothing fight that I like to get involved.
I have to get involved and I have to say something.
Just a little jab, a little poke that will fuel the fire.
And help take it to the next level. As they're going back and forth,
I walk buy them, I lean in, and I go like this,
"hey dude, dude, dude, I know what you mean about the jelly bro.
Tell this twat to get jelly. Now."
[guy] "See, see! Get the jelly-Uh, whats that word again?
What, Twat! Good word. Thanks bro. I didnt ev- I forgot about that word.
GET THE JELLY TWAT! Great word dude, great word. Twat. Yes."

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I think about having kids. I'd love to have some kids.
I've been thinking about kids. I wanna have like 19 kids.
I think naming them, that's gonna be fun.
Whatever the names you come up with, that's exciting, right there.
You get to both decide, "Hey, do you wanna name that.. nooo i don't like
that. Alright." It's like a little game, you try and come up with....
I already have names picked out. I don't even know.
First kid, boy, girl.. I don't care. First one that comes out I'm naming it
RHRHRHH.
I think it's beautiful. It's feminine but strong at the same time.
"Time for bed RHRHR.. I SAID TIME FOR BED RHRHRHRHHR!!!!
NO COOKIES RHRHRHR!!!! Typical RHRHR!!
Daddy's on the phone RHRRH.. daddy's on the phone..."
I'm gonna name a group of kids after my favorite cartoon.
I'm gonna name a bunch of them after Transformers. That'a be great!
Oh ya! Just to be like, "Optimus Prime come here for a second,
I wanna talk to you. Come here. You sit next to Megatron,
We're gonna have a little chit-chat over here.
I am the Cobra Comander in this.. RHRHRHRHRHRHR!!!!
I SAID NO COOKIES!!!! RHRHRHRHRRHAHRHRRHHAHARHAHHH!!!
RHRHRHRHRRHR! This FUCKING HRHRRHRHRRH is driving me up a
FUCKING wall! RHRHRHRHAHRHARHARHAHRHRHRHR!!!"
Wouldn't it be fun to have a bunch of kids and abandon them somewhere..
Just knock em out of the car,
"I'm out.. "
What do you think they'd talk about? hahaha

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