 (Ladies and Gentlemen, make some noise for Bo Burnham!)
Uh, thanks, uhm, welcome to my show, it's called, uh, "If You Sing Along, I'll Fucking Kill You."
Every time I go to dinner,
Seems like I'm getting a little bit thinner.
I'll sit down at the breakfast table.
I can talk, they're not able.
When I look at them, I find,
There's a single question on their mind.
I wish it could go back to the way it was.
It's not easy now because...
My whole family thinks I'm gay.
I guess it's always been that way.
Maybe it's cause of the way that I walk,
That makes them think that I like- boys.
(That I like boys.)
The goddamn question just won't go away,
Cause i get asked every single day,
But the way they ask is no disguise,
Like, "How was your day? Do you like to kiss guys?" (That's... funny.)
This is the worst, baby, this was my fear,
Now their opinions are crystal-clear.
My whole family now is shocked,
I'm in the closet and the door is locked.
Now my glory days are gone,
I was John Elway now I'm Elton John.
My whole family now suspects,
That watching Spongebob had side-effects.
I'm not gay and that's what I said,
If I'm gay, hey, God, strike me dead. (*coughs, piano abruptly stops*)
Just 'cause I'm afraid of the snow,
Or my favorite color is the rain(Bo)w.
I don't mean to yell, but I fear I must,
'Cause I'm losing the people that I thought I could trust.
Because even my boyfriend thinks I'm gay. (*laughs*, motherfucker.)
You all probably think I'm gay,
Man, this song is counter-productive.
La la la la la...
Because my whole family thinks I'm gay,
What do they know, anyway?
Baby, you gotta see right through the haze,
Easy-Bake Oven was just a phase.
My whole family thinks I'm queer,
That is all I ever hear,
But I've been as straight as a ramp,
If you don't count Bible Camp.
Thanks for coming out, uh. Hey, so, those ASU girls are pretty hot, any of you...? Any of you?
Ok, this isn't a great example, but uhm...
I'm just kidding, it's... you're in the dark, I couldn't see you, I bet you're gorgeous, in the dark, uhm.
Like my shirt? Back home, they call me the "tie-dye shirt kid", well, that and "faggot."
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