Bo Burnham Album

i'm a feminine eminem, a slim shady lady
but nice cause i texted haiti
90 lady cops on the road and i'm arrested for doing 80.
like hamlet, all about "words, words, words"
divide a whole into thirds, thirds, thirds.
i'm a gay sea otter.
i blow other dudes out of the water.
i'm the man muffin, divin', muffin,
cold and fly like an arctic puffin,
puffin whacky tobaccy
hatin other rappers like i'm Helga Pataki
and i've been rockin this mic before electricity
way back in 1000 BCE - thats before the common era.
i can't be stopped, flow so sick that it should be mopped up
chick's got a dixie cup, i gotta dick full of helium, i'll fuck you up.
a boy, a girl, a middle aged bitch, botox in the third person.
i give the perspective a switch and bo talks in the third person.
just relax, if you wanna know me, here's two facts

i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.
hungry hungry hippocrite.
i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.

met a girl named Macy had sex with her all day,
but she was dyslexic, so i ended up doin the YMCA
we ballin, asian, wii bowlin, prostate cancer semi-colon,
find that hole like i'm Stephen Hawking,
Atticus Finch, killing, mocking.
cry like a child would, you raped my childhood
just stroll in, roll in your pole into Rolie Polie Olie's colon.
to relax my mind i take a walk by the clock and i pass the time and
rhymin, mathematic timin, syntax impacts the intact hymen.
i'm an internet provider, came from the web like a horny spider,
fucked a girl in an apple orchard, then came in cider (inside her)
i thought AIDS was a butt virus like conjunction junction conjunctivitis
i spit gold bars cause i was molested by my uncle midas
gay dads blow pops, another sucker,
oedipus was the first motherfucker.

i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.
hungry hungry hippocrite.
i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.

we the people of the USA
jose, we're not talkin to you, esse.
we got a border in order to keep you out,
it's what my NYU essay's about
cause we're, xenophobic warrior princess,
molested by my uncle sam, is that incest?
"I WANT YOU" to smell my finger
does my nephew's scent still linger?
south of queers, north of hell,
the queer ones suck and the brown one's smell
we guard the border and we guard it well
but some slip through the cracks of the liberty bell
did i say liberty? i meant taco, paco, hey you better let that rock go
cause in real life goliath wins
and then sells all the silk that the widow spins.

i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.
hungry hungry hippocrite.
i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.

bitches and hoes, bo's hoes, oh, bitches and hoes, bitches, hoes.
bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know bo's a feminist,
bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know bo's a feminist
so take off your bras and burn em or you can let me burn em
take off your bras and burn em, or you can let bo burnham burn em.

(I feel like hip-hop used to be a voice for the voiceless, you know
And now it's become, at least in the mainstream, a symbol of
Misogyny
Gay panic
Fiscal irresponsibility
So I figure
If you can't beat 'em
Join 'em)

Hittin' the club a VIP
I got a fake mustache and a fake ID
I look like Woolly Willy with a really woolly willy, and I
Bypass the bouncer
Pass by an ex and I flex and bounce her, wows her
Look at all of Bo's hos
Lookin' for a ride on Bo's hose, and I
Spot a little latina
Booty so big call it Oprah's Ego
We go do it, through it
She says, "Dios mia, mi amigo"
Pull it out, stick in your mouth
And I bust it in the back of ya
Swallow, bitch
There's people starving in Africa

Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
"Oh Bo!"
And if I were gay
Though I swear I'm straight
I'd make the fellas say

You're an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top
And careful, Cherry, 'cause I'm the king of pop
Pop, pop, pop goes my weasel
Now you look like Jackson Pollock's easel
My suggestion is
You don't blow it until you know what congestion is
Swallow when you know what digestion is
Follow Bo, the only question is
Have you been splattered before
By the Mad Hatter matador?
Cake batter, never more
It don't matter whether you're
Spanish, French, Swedish, or Cambodian
I'll slime you so hard you could be on Nickelodeon

Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
"Oh Bo!"
And if I were gay
Though I swear I'm straight
I'd make the fellas say
"Oh Bo!"
Oh Bo
Oh Bo, Bo
Oh, oh Bo
Oh Bo
Oh Bo

You think that you can handle me, girl, don't make me laugh
I said my junk is bipolar, it'll split you in half, yeah
And if you're lucky, I might just bring you home
And I'll have you going down like you're growing an extra chromosome
And when you grab me, don't grab me by my buns
'Cause I got a bad case of the ru-runs
I got the runs
I got the runs

Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
"Oh Bo!"
And if I were gay
Though I swear I'm straight
I'd think the fellas say
"Oh Bo!"

(I wanna break it down for y'all
I came from the streets with nothing
Now I'm making hit records
For my people still living in the streets, still living in poverty, I want to tell you I'm doing this for you
My success is your success
And I know you may be thinking, "Hey, if you really believe that
Why don't you use some of your money to help rebuild the neighborhood instead of putting spinning rims on a gold jet ski?"
And to that I say...
Uh... chorus is coming up)

Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
"Oh Bo!"
And if I were gay
Though I swear I'm straight
I'd think the fellas say

Uh, uh
You gotta fume like a tuna
I'll smell you later
I met a fat chick
And I fucked her in an elevator
It was wrong on so many levels
It was wrong on so many le-le-le-levels
It was wrong on so many levels, uh
It was wrong on
It was wrong on
It was wrong on

Single every single day
Do it every single way
Make the single ladies say
"Oh Bo!"
And if I were gay
Though I swear I'm straight
I'd think the fellas say
Oh!
Single every single
Do it every single
Pop that single like a Pringle jingle
Oh Bo!
This song's almost completed
All this little ditty needed
Instrument that's double reeded
The oboe!

Yeah
Oh Bo, play that oboe

(My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish
Uh, she used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time)

My show is a little bit silly, and a
Little bit pretentious, so like
Shakespeare's willy or
Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on

It's also a little bit gay, and a
Little bit offensive, like
Thanksgiving Day or
Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on

So put your cellphones to vibrate
And put your vibrators to cellphone mode

Welcome to the show, it goes a little bit like this
Joke... exactly
Fucking up my flow, it flows a little bit like this
With a rap and a diss then a
Swift rap in the wrist, a rap in a kiss
Like Hershey's wrappin' a Kiss, shit
I got a show that'll test you kids
And it asks one question and the question is
What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny, fu-funny
What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny
Oh yeah

Humor is often linked to shared experience
Like a guy gets up and says, "Have you noticed that public restrooms have really inefficient hand dryers?"
"Oh my god, yes I have
Ha ha ha ha, really good point
They should fix that
It's good to know that somebody finally gets me
'Cause my wife divorced me
Which has consciously forced me to lose all sense of self
So it's nice to think about hand dryers
And not that cheating whore"
Because stand-up comedy is actually pretty easy
If you're an Asian comic, just get up and say, "My mother's got the weirdest fucking accent"
Then just do a Chinese accent
'Cause everybody laughs at the Chinese accent
Because they privately thought that your people were laughable and now you've given them the chance to express that in public
Ah yeah, if you're a musical comic
Just give them a little weird voice infliction
Then take a Viagra
And slap them with a rock-hard misdirection
What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny, fu-funny
...Tourettes!
What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny
Oh, and the audience says

When I was a baby, maybe I laughed at people jiggling keys
Now I'm older and bolder and just get mad because I notice that the keys are to a Hummer
Fuck my life, I don't fuck my wife
So fuck my wife, and fuck my life
And my son is gay, but not sitcom gay
Daughter's a whore, like another girl that used to be her mother
But the marriage made her Miss Mary Americana
I want a teen, but that's screaming prima donna
But the radical feminists made my wife a man
Oh, and if I die happy
The situation
Will be auto-erotic
Asphyxiation
I hate my life and it hates me back
And my friend is black
But I don't know what to call him
So I just call him
"What up, Jamal?"
Even though his name is Steve
I hate my job, I hate my life
I hate my kids, I hate my wife
Jews would know I do it
Judas beat me to it
I'm slowly slipping into a solipsistic coma
And I masturbate because I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to fuck me!

What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny, fu-funny
(Pop) It's a boy
What's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
What's funny, what's funny, what's funny?
Funny, yeah
Hopefully this
(Fart)

When I say "Hey!", you say "Ho!"
Hey! (Ho!)
Hey! (Ho!)
That's basically how Hitler rose to power

My ex-girlfriend, she was a bitch, but you know, they say, like, if you want to know what a girl's gonna look like, look at her mother
You know, so I am so glad I broke up with her
'Cause she would've been, you know... dead

Guys, I'm a realist
Okay? I try not to romanticize reality
You know, like when life gives you lemons
You probably just found lemons

But at the same time, I don't deny the beauty in the world
'Cause there is so much beauty because life can be so symmetrical that gives birth to this almost silent poetry
You know, like a hermaphrodite playing the keytar
Or a young Amish boy trying to blow out the light bulbs on his birthday cake
Or, or a girl who's terrible at grammar saying, "Mama, you raise me good," and then being pushed down a well

If I had a dime, oh!
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change
I'd still say no

Here's some racial humor for you guys
White people are like this, "Ah"
Black people are like this, "Uh"
We're destined to fight forever
Blood in the streets

Yo momma's so fat
Yo momma's so ugly
Yo momma's so stupid
Your mother's breasts sag with such severity that the late, great surrealist artist Salvador Dali mistook them for clocks

Men are like vows
Because they're easily broken
Women are like cows
Because they both have vaginas
I said, men are like muzzles
Because they'll try to shut you up
No, no, no don't listen, hey
Women are like puzzles
Because prior to 1920, neither had the right to vote
Puzzles still don't

A man is an eagle, a woman is a dove
Women can fake orgasm, but men can fake love

Women are like fingers and toes
Because they're easy to count on
Men are like ravens and crows
Cause they hate using condoms
Women are like Yahtzees, oh yeah
Cause I rarely get them
Yeah, men are like Nazis
Because they both caused the Holocaust

Oh, for every dollar man makes, a woman makes 70 cents
That doesn't make sense, that's not fair, the man's only left with 30

Men and women
Oh, men and women
Is black and white with an area of gray for hermaphrodite

Oh, big finish yeah
Male strippers always look like they're applying lotion
Female strippers when they're dancing on the pole
Just look like....confused firemen

I'm 19 years old, I'm a young comedian
I hate that term, "young comedian", you know
I prefer "prodigy"
And people, they pigeonhole me as a comic
You know, which is so disingenuous 'cause I'm not a comic, I'm an artist
And I don't do comedy shows, I do one man shows
And I've been doing them, uh
1998 was actually my first one man show
It was a show about Jews in Nazi Germany called Under the Floor Boards
I'll do a scene from that, uh, right now
No no no
Watch and then judge
This is a scene from Under the Floor Boards
"Hey, shh"

And then '99
'99, I did a show called The Catholic Orgasm, I'll do a scene from that
(Moaning)
(Sobbing)

2000, I did a piece called The Inappropriate Musician, I'll do a scene from that
"Mike
Mike, back off the ledge, Mike, th-
Mike, think about your kids, do you want them to grow up without a father, is that what you want, Mike?! Mi-
Please listen to me, I'm your friend
No, Mike, don't jump!
No, Mike, no!
(Slide whistle down)
(Slide whistle up)
"He's saved"

2001, I did John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath
Except I adapted it into a story about an intergalactic sexual predator called The Rapes of Grath

2002, I did a piece, if you're familiar with The Elephant Man
I did a piece based off that called Bulldog Man (Voice cracks when he says "man")
Oh, also known as Bulldog Man (Says "man" properly) for those who hit puberty
And I uh
I'll do a monologue from that right now
(Silence)
(Laughter)
For those listening on the CD, I kind of look like a bulldog

2003, 4? 3. Doesn't matter, I'm lying
2000-
2004, I did a piece called Sméagol, from Lord of the Rings, Having Sex with a Black Chick, I'll do that
(Moaning as Sméagol)
"Precious"
I actually got a Danza nomination for that, it was
Right after the Tony's

2000, uh, 5
2005, if I could get a blackout for this, I did a piece called Charlie Brown Getting Molested, so if we could blackout right now
"Hello?
Is anybody here?"
(Unintelligible trombone noises a la Peanuts cartoon)
"What the fuck are you doing?! Let go of me!"
(Unintelligible trombone noises)
"Good grief"

So, 2000, uh, bring the lights up
2007
2007, I did a piece called The Juggler's Wife, I'll do a scene from that
"Please
Stop JUGGLING!"

2008, I did a
Bit of a controversial piece because I played a slave in the 1780's, but I didn't wear make-up
'Cause I feel as, you know, an artist I'm qualified to tell any story, and uh
It was a piece called Whiplashes and this was the climactic scene
It is hard, raw art, so if you're adverse to that, you might want to look away
But this is, um, the climactic scene from Whiplashes and I hope you enjoy it
"You'll have to answer to God for this"
(Whip crack)
"Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
Ow
...You're a dick"

And then, uh, 2000-
...9, which is the last year before the piece I'm doing currently
I did a piece called, it's a very emotional piece, it means a lot to me so forgive me if I break down
But this is a, uh, a scene from it and the piece was called A Boy and His Dog
"Get out of here, alright?
Go, I can't afford to keep you anymore, I just
I can't, it's too
Please don't make this harder than it has to be, I
I hate you, is that what you need to hear from me?
Alright, I hate you
I hate you!
It's not just me
My dog hates Mexicans too"

(I believe in the Zodiac
Yeah, I do, I'm a Leo, I love Titanic
Uh, this is something a little bit mor-
Something a little bit morbidly ironic, my grandmother
Uh, she was a Cancer and
She was actually killed by a giant crab

This is a song about the idea of irony
So strap in!)

My dog's stomach was very upset
So I put him in the car and we went to the vet
And on our way to the vet
I killed a cat
Hey, I said isn't that ironic?

I adopted a child from overseas
To rescue him from child labor factories
And on his very first birthday, we went to Build-a-Bear workshop
Isn't that ironic?

Isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C?
A water park has burned to the ground, and a
A tow truck has broken down
I always used to cry when I laughed
And then I was raped by a clown
Isn't that ironic?

I was watching Al Gore on CNN
He was talking and talking and talking and then
Out of boredom, my pet polar bear shot himself
Isn't that ironic?

I dated an animal rights activist
And one day, she got really pissed
Because I was eating veal that was wrapped in "pita" bread
("PETA"? Fuck it)

Isn't that I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C?
I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch
And I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncle's "pull-out" couch
Isn't that ironic? I-R-O-N-I-C
Yeah, if everyday you play the board game Risk
You've probably never taken a Risk in your life
And Monopoly has far from a stranglehold on the board game market
A little kid died from suffocation when he choked on a game piece from Operation
And I can't grow a beard
That one's not ironic, that one's just sad

Bob Barker got all of my pets pregnant

My grandfather had Alzheimer's
And one day we were

We live in a binary reality, we do
It's a world of black and white
There's only two types of people in this world:
Those who can finish lists

What is art? You know, what is art?
Is art something gay people do to get back at their fathers? Could be
What is an artist?
What makes a great artist? You know, great artists like myself
Like the great director Michael Bay
Like the great Irish actor Shaquille O'Neal

We ask questions
You know, questions nobody else dares to ask
Questions like
Where are all the Sour Patch Parents?
Questions like if Mickey's a mouse, and Minnie's a mouse, and Donald's a duck, and Daisy and Goofy, if they're all animals and they can talk
Why is Pluto just a fucking dog?
Did they just forget to anthropomorphize him or worse, is Mickey keeping him mentally handicapped to stay a pet?
I'm not, how does that fit in to that universe, that paradigm
Goofy's a dog, he's talking
This one, crawling around
Guys, you got tight, I would never bash Disney
Never
Ever
I think Disney teaches girls
Young girls such important lessons that princess fairy tales, you know like
Cinderella: It doesn't matter where you come from or how poor you are, you know, as long as you're incredibly hot
Snow White: Which encourages children to
You know, give midgets nicknames
Sleeping Beauty: You know, which encourages, um
Date rape, maybe not
Maybe not that one

I was doing a show recently on the border of, uh, Hannah Montana and South Dakota Fanning
And after the show
After the show, a guy came up to me
And said, "Bo, why don't you ever tell stories on-stage about people coming up to you after the shows?"
And I said, "'Cause they're never funny"

I've always wanted a black girlfriend
Not as, you know, 'cause like
I don't know, h-how, how do I put this?
When we 69, I can call it "yin yanging"
Um
It's not a, it's not racist
Guys, it's 21st century racism
It's racism in light of itself
The only reason I'm saying these things
Is because the stigmas about race are already there
And I'm just playing off of that
And they understand that
So if after the show
You see like a black guy beating me up
He's doing it ironically, okay?
Get your story straight

i'm a feminine eminem, a slim shady lady
but nice cause i texted haiti
90 lady cops on the road and i'm arrested for doing 80.
like hamlet, all about "words, words, words"
divide a whole into thirds, thirds, thirds.
i'm a gay sea otter.
i blow other dudes out of the water.
i'm the man muffin, divin', muffin,
cold and fly like an arctic puffin,
puffin whacky tobaccy
hatin other rappers like i'm Helga Pataki
and i've been rockin this mic before electricity
way back in 1000 BCE - thats before the common era.
i can't be stopped, flow so sick that it should be mopped up
chick's got a dixie cup, i gotta dick full of helium, i'll fuck you up.
a boy, a girl, a middle aged bitch, botox in the third person.
i give the perspective a switch and bo talks in the third person.
just relax, if you wanna know me, here's two facts

i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.
hungry hungry hippocrite.
i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.

met a girl named Macy had sex with her all day,
but she was dyslexic, so i ended up doin the YMCA
we ballin, asian, wii bowlin, prostate cancer semi-colon,
find that hole like i'm Stephen Hawking,
Atticus Finch, killing, mocking.
cry like a child would, you raped my childhood
just stroll in, roll in your pole into Rolie Polie Olie's colon.
to relax my mind i take a walk by the clock and i pass the time and
rhymin, mathematic timin, syntax impacts the intact hymen.
i'm an internet provider, came from the web like a horny spider,
fucked a girl in an apple orchard, then came in cider (inside her)
i thought AIDS was a butt virus like conjunction junction conjunctivitis
i spit gold bars cause i was molested by my uncle midas
gay dads blow pops, another sucker,
oedipus was the first motherfucker.

i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.
hungry hungry hippocrite.
i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.

we the people of the USA
jose, we're not talkin to you, esse.
we got a border in order to keep you out,
it's what my NYU essay's about
cause we're, xenophobic warrior princess,
molested by my uncle sam, is that incest?
"I WANT YOU" to smell my finger
does my nephew's scent still linger?
south of queers, north of hell,
the queer ones suck and the brown one's smell
we guard the border and we guard it well
but some slip through the cracks of the liberty bell
did i say liberty? i meant taco, paco, hey you better let that rock go
cause in real life goliath wins
and then sells all the silk that the widow spins.

i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.
hungry hungry hippocrite.
i hate catchy choruses and i'm a hypocrite.

bitches and hoes, bo's hoes, oh, bitches and hoes, bitches, hoes.
bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know bo's a feminist,
bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know bo's a feminist
so take off your bras and burn em or you can let me burn em
take off your bras and burn em, or you can let bo burnham burn em.

Let us pray
Oh, uh, please
Don't feel like you can't participate if you're not Christian
'Cause this is a prayer for all faiths, so
Dear Jesus of Nazareth
First of all, I'd like to thank you for calling yourself Jesus of Nazareth, it's sort of like the Lord of the Rings or something
"I am Jesus of Nazareth, son of Orflec the butcher"
We know, Lord
From John 3:16, that you so loved the world that you sent your only son to die for us, your only son
But at the same time, we're all your children, so in your eyes, we're a bunch of girls
So help us as we struggle with the temptations of lesbianism, Amen

People come to me all the time, all the time
They say the same thing, you know
"Bo, you're an artist, how do we fix Africa?"
I read recently that there are over 22 million people living with HIV/AIDS in Sub-Saharan Africa
I know, it's a Snapple fact
How do we fix it? How do we fix it? This
Because laughter, laughter is the best medicine, you know, besides
Medicine

We've been doing a lot of laughing
Which is good, uh, for a comedy show on a comedy CD, but what we haven't been doing is a lot of thinking
And I'd like to do that now, I've written some haikus
Haikus are Japanese poems consisting of 17 syllables, three lines
Five, seven, five
And I find them to have a certain
Philosophical construct, there's a certain, uh
Soundness in their simplicity, a clearness in their cogency, if you will
So hopefully what we'll do right now is read these haikus, think for a bit
And then when we go back, uh, to the
You know, the jokes and the laughing
They'll have benefited, uh, from the time we took to think
So um, you guys just sit back and indulge me and just think for a bit and then we'll go back to the jokes
Uh, can I get some blue light to set the mood?
Perfect
For those of you listening on CD, the lights didn't change which made it funny

I saw a rainbow
On the day my grandma died
Fuckin' lesbian
(Ding)

For fifteen cents a
Day you can feed an African
They eat pennies
(Ding)

Old peoples' skin sags
Because it's being pulled toward
The underworld
(Ding)

Do unto others
As you would have them do to you
Said the rapist
(Ding)

My aunt used to say
Slow and steady wins the race
She died in a fire
(Ding)

Even if he is
Your friend, never, ever call
An Asian person
(Ding)

And finally

Bono, if you want
To help poor people, sell your
Tinted shades, you cunt
(Ding)

Thank you, this next piece is called "Sonnet 155", or "If Shakespeare Had Written a Porn", and it goes like this
I saw the morning dew betwixt thine thighs
As I removed my source of Grecian power
As if King Midas dared to touch the skies
Upon thy body fell a golden shower

Thy body's temples, two church bells had rung
Upon thy chest, a row of pearls bestowed
The sun had set, thy set with wary hung
I thought, "How black a night and blue a lode"

I said, "What light through yonder beaver breaks?
It is the yeast"

And now my belly's yellow
My pole gives cause to storms and earthy quakes
But 'tis not massive, I am no Othello

And when that final moment came to pass
Like Christ I came-a riding on an ass
Thank you very much

William Shakespeare, uh
William Shakespeare was a verbal cun-tortionist
He could bend his words in the way a contortionist bends his frame without hope that he could with a name like William Shakespeare
William Shakespeare, some, some of you seem lost, look
Say your name was Robert Frost and you couldn't write, that would suck
Well, I guess you could always go as Bobby Frost and own an ice cream truck
He was balanced like a simile and could stack metaphor five, six at a time and rhyme into the very last line of a soliloquy which finally said outright with a previous 77 rolling hinting at
He had puns and quips and tons of trips of sons with ships with nuns with hips and buns and lips, but I had something that Shakespeare never had
Penicillin
See, it hadn't been invented yet, back then they only had "quill"-icillin
Hey, it's not that hard, bard
I'm sorry, I got a bone to pick with you, William
So if you could just listen up here and listen to this theater queer's theater query here and maybe act like a real artist for once in your life
Say Van Gogh, and
Lend me your ear
You're not a writer
You're a writer like fucking Hulk Hogan's a street fighter
You write these dramas
You accumulate your wealth
You hold nature as to a mirror of yourself
Just because you're messed up doesn't mean we are too
Just because you want to bang your mom doesn't mean Danish princes do, what
Who? Yeah, Hamlet, Shakespeare, that's right, the young prince whose father died at the hands of his uncle with whom his mother lied, sound familiar?
It's the fucking Lion King
You stole from a Disney movie, you androgynous douche, what's next
The story of a French king on a quest to find his lost son, Nemo?
Oh, and by the way, poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make

"To be, or not to be
That is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them? To die
To sleep, no more, and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to
'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep
To sleep, perchance to dream, ay
There's the rub, for in that sleep of death what
Dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause"
Pft, like what?

This next song is about quantum mechanics
(Plays nonsense on the piano)
This next song

I was raised very well, like a field of corn
You know, I was also raised very Christian, like the Children of the Corn
And Christians get angry at me 'cause I say things like, "Why the long nose, Pope-nocchio?"
They'll think I'll go to Hell
The truth is, I've been to Christian Hell
And I actually wrote a song about it

Hitler was there
And so were all the Jews, yeah
So it got a little awkward

All the seats at the sunday masses,
Filled with the mass's massive asses,
Classes pass as fast as molasses.
Ceremonial reading glasses.
Read a little bit of leviticus.
All the kids are a little too little for this.
All the parents nod in agreement -
"i think i can vaguely see what he meant."
It's too early in the morning glory
To read another allegory story,
The father, reads a little bit farther,
Assuring the assured that they need not bother
"when god, in verse 45, said the slaves are okay to buy,
He meant that people, all from the start
Each have slaves within their hearts.
Things, that we have sold or boughten, that are forced to pick our moral cotton
God calls us to set these free, free our hearts from slavery...
And then as god goes on to explain the logistics of buying and selling slaves..."

In the back, i sit and i nod to the beats that are bumpin from my ipod
My god, they're starting to pray
And over the music i can hear them say
"dear god, dear lord, dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword.
Dear good all-seeing being, my way or the highway yahweh.
The blue-balled anti-masturbator, the great, all-loving faggot hater,
I'd like to thank your holy might for making me both rich and white
And though this is your day of rest, i come to you with one request
There's so much pain beyond this steeple,
Wars and drugs and homeless people.
Sadness, where there should be joy, hate and rape and soulja boy.
A world in darkness needs your light, so i'm sure your schedule's pretty tight
But my dog just had leg surgery if you could fix that first...

Debra messing's fingers in a holy place, "hail mary full of grace."

Obama, could you pass some hope to the pope
I know a couple dude's who wanna elope
See the pope said, "nope" so the bros can't cope.
(the bros can grope but the bros can't cope)
They've been in love, they've been addicted
Who said they shouldn't? benedict did.
Cause in the holy land of the lord he's the holy landlord and dicks are evicted.
Cause you can be a benedict if you've been a dick under benedict but
You can't have benedicts because there's only one pope and only one dick
What? a dick on a pope is
Just like a soap on a rope cause it's
Pointless, unless in prison, throw up your bibles, christ has risen.
Hallelujah, now it's raining men,
Because the gender ratio is 1 to 10.
Winos at the eucharist station, trans-gendered-substantiation
Jesus wasn't the messiah, get back i'm a heretic and i'm on fire
It was oedipus, and those holy nights
The holy motherfucking christ.
I'm a blasphemah post-katrina cruising the marina. on a crusade to cruise aids
And blast FEMA
You're too late, we're fucked we don't need ya.

In the name of the father, son and holy ghost
Head, shoulders, knees and toes
Turn up your nose, strike that pose.
HEY MACARENA

I find numbers to be fascinating and more specifically than numbers I find statistics so...enlightening. You know, thought-provoking even. So I've gathered some here and these are all 100% true. When you leave this theatre and into the world you can check them and they will come back because they are true. So, I don't want to blow your mind or anything but maybe you'll hear one of these and go, "Whoa, I never thought of that!", you know? So, these are my statistics.


Approximately 33.33% of the Jonas Brothers have diabetes.

One in every four kids with the initials A.D.D. actually has it, and four out of four kids with the initials A.D.H.D. has an annoying, self-righteous mother who wouldn't just shut the fuck up and take her husband's last name.

Here's a fun one. One of every fourty-four U.S. presidents can dunk. It's fucking Millard Filmoore, you racists.

The average child of Sarah Palin has 46.2 chromosomes.

Can't get angry at the numbers, you know what I mean?

Here's a really interesting one. The average person has one fallopian tube.

20% of the Jackson Five...too soon...

The average penis length is 5-and-a-half inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who Googles "average penis length" is 3-and-a-half inches.

Art is dead.
Art is dead.
Art is dead.
Art is dead.

Entertainers like to seem complicated
But we're not complicated
I can explain it pretty easily

Have you ever been to a birthday
Party for children?
And one of the children
Won't stop screaming
'Cause he's just a little
Attention attractor

When he grows up
To be a comic or actor
He'll be rewarded
For never maturing
For never under-
Standing or learning

That every day
Can't be about him
There's other people
You selfish ass hole

I must be psychotic
I must be demented
To think that I'm worthy
Of all this attention

Of all of this money, you worked really hard for
I slept in late while you worked at the drug store
My drug's attention, I am an addict
But I get paid to indulge in my habit
It's all an illusion, I'm wearing make-up, I'm wearing make-up
Make-up, make-up, make-up, make...

Art is dead
So people think you're funny, how do you get those peoples money
Said art is dead
We're rolling in dough, while Carlin rolls in his grave
His grave, his grave

The show has got a budget
The show has got a budget
And all the poor people way more deserving, of the money
Won't budge it

'Cause I wanted my name in lights
When i could have feed a family of four
For forty fucking fortnights
Forty fucking fortnights

I am an artist, please god forgive me
I am an artist, please don't revere me
I am an artist, please don't respect me
I am an artist, you're free to correct me

A self-centered artist
Self-obsesed artist
I am an artist
I am an artist

But I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid
Kid
And maybe I'll grow out of it

We got a little serious there.
I think "fisting" should be called "upper-cunting",
And we're back.

Do you guys like impressions?
(Yeah.)
"Why?" That was Socrates.

Older traditional stand-up comics sometimes have problems with me
Because they think I use music and other stuff
And they think I'm a gimmick, I'm a hack, you know, I'm a gimmick comic
And they're such comedy purists, they don't think my comedy can stand on it's own.
But the truth is, I'm a comedy purist, too.
So I can do comedy without gimmicks.
I'll show you that right now.
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye-patch?
Names!
For those listening on the CD, I just gave birth to a dove.

I love traditional stand-up comedy, don't get me wrong.
I love it. I'm a huge fan of traditional stand-up comics.
A lot of them are my heroes.
And I want to be a traditional stand-up comic
And I've been working on some traditional stand-up material and
It's in its infancy so, please, bare with me, go easy
But this is a bit of my traditional stand-up.

My wife, right.
We never have sex. Like, ever. Which is really funny.
Something else, I never know what she's saying.
She'll say something and I'll be like, "pft."
You know, she's constantly emasculating me
And I'm making her resent herself for getting older,
So we're looking into a divorce.
And, you know, something else that's really funny:
She can't drive. The only thing she can drive is
"Drive me crazy," and when she back talks, I hit her.

[No lyrics]