Bette Midler Album

[No lyrics]

Fat as I am.
Who wants to see a diva fat as I am?
I get mistaken now for Lainie Kazan.
How is it that I'm fat as I am?

Fat as I am.
The camera's gonna add a ton to my can.
This is the way they say Godzilla began.
How did I get as fat as I am?

"Try it again."
All of my friends say I should diet again;
That all my fans are gonna riot again.
"Look what happened to Liz."

All of my sins
are not as numerous as . . . all of my chins!
I could audition for the doublemint twins.
No one in the biz is as fat as I is.

Ah, but what's a career
when you put it next to knockwurst and beer?
They could park a DC10 on my rear.
God knows I got the gas!

There goes the chair.
But to tell the truth, I'm too fat to care!
I ate a meatball off the floor right over there.
Ah, you don't give a damn
when you're fat as I am!

[No lyrics]

I'm singing broadway and I love it!
I'm singing broadway and I'm proud!
You can keep your springsteen.
Shove your chaka.
I really don't care for that kind of kaka.
Ethel, liza, chita, that's my crowd, my crowd!

Yes-sah, I'm singing broadway and it's heaven!
'cause "heaven" is a song from a broadway show!
Ah, just give me a part that's got laughter and tears
And I'll feel like yul brenner for the next thousand years!
Ah, broadway, broadway, broadway! brrrrrravo!

Ahhh, who needs a girl who's got flourescent hair,
Or an ugly boy singing off key?


Give me a broad who's got tits out to there,
Belching it out to the balcony!

Ahhhahhhhhhhh!!!!
Yes-sah! I'm singing broadway and it's heaven!
I'll be singing broadway 'til I die!
Just tell me what could be better
Than shaking your buns
In front of a chorus
Of thirty-five nuns?
I'll climb every mountain
And ford every river I see.
A lady and her muszack,
Ha-that's ha-me! yeah!

[No lyrics]

[No lyrics]

Otto Titsling, inventor and crout,
had nothing to get very worked up about.
His inventions were failures, his future seemed bleak.
He fled to the opera at least twice a week.

One night at the opera he saw an Aida
who's bust was so big it would often impede her.
Bug-eyed he watched her fall into the pit,
done in by the weight of those terrible tits.

Oh, my god! There she goes!
Aerodynamically this girl was a mess.
Otto eye-balled the diva lying comatose amongst the reeds,
and he suddenly felt the fire of inspiration
flood his soul. He ran back to his workshop
where he futzed and futzed and futzed.

For Otto Titsling had found his quest:
to lift and mold the female breast;
to point the small ones to the sky;
to keep the big ones high and dry!

Every night he'd sweat and snort
searching for the right support.
He tried some string and paper clips.
Hey! He even tried his own two lips!

Well, he stiched, he slaved,
he slaved,he stitched
until finally one night, in the wee hours of morning,
Otto arose from his workbench triumphant.
Yes! He had invented the world's first
over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder. Hooray!

Exhausted but ecstatic Otto ran
out to the diva bearing the prototype in his hot little hand.
Now, the diva did not wanna try the darn thing on.
But, after many initial mishaps,
she finally did.
And the sigh of relief that issued forth
from her mouth
was so loud that it was mistaken by some
to be the early onset of the Seraken Winds
which would often roll through the Schwarzwald
with a vengeance!
Ahhhhh-i!

But little did Otto know,
at the moment of his greatest triumph,
lurking under the diva's bed
was none other than the very worst
of the French patent thieves,
Phillip DeBrassiere.
And Phil was watching the scene
with a great deal of interest!

(music quitens down)
Later that night, while the Brunhilda slept,
into the wardrobe Phillip softly crept.
He fumbled through knickers and corsets galore,
till he found Otto's titsling and he ran out the door.

Crying, "Oh, my god! What joy! What bliss!
I'm gonna make me a million from this!
Every woman in the world will wanna buy one.
I will have all the goods manufactured in Taiwan."

The result of this swindle is pointedly clear:
Do you buy a titsling or do you buy a brassiere?

[No lyrics]

I Will never forget it you know. I was in bed one night with my boyfriend Ernie he began combing his hair there was a great shower of dandruff all about the bed. I said to him "Ernie what's that?" he said to me "Soph those are the snows of Kilamanjaro". He leaped from the bed he ran to the loo I could hear him through the door relieving himself violently (swish, swish, swish, swish) I said to him "Ernie what the hell is that?" he said to me "Soph those are the rains of Ronjapoor". He leaped from the bed, he ran back to bed, no he leaped from the loo he ran back to the bed, he leaped from the bed, he ran out the window, that's not right either, a humongous dick that wants to reach out and touch someone imagine that, he ran back from the loo, what happened then ah yes of course I hit a blank spot. On his way back from the loo he had dare I say an attack of flatulates, how could I forget that. He had an attack of flatulates (pbbt) the cheese was cut. I said to him "Ernie what the hell is that?" he said to me "Soph those are the winds of Crackatoa." That was enough for me I jumped into my clothes I was out the door like a like a shot. I could hear him calling me from down the road. "Where are you going? What's wrong?" I said who can f**k in this weather."

I will never forget it you know. Doorbell rang the other day I answered the door there was a delivery boy there, a delivery boy there with two dozen roses. I grabbed the card and I opened it it said love, from your boyfriend Ernie. I was having tea with my girlfriend Clementine at the time I said "Clementine do you know what this means. For the next two weeks I'm going to be flat on my back with my legs wide open". "Clementine says to me what's the matter with you ain't you got a vas."

I will never forget it you know. Yet another cutting the cheese joke. Listen to how I make it my own. I will never forget it you know. It was my honeymoon with my boyfriend Ernie we were on the Silvercheif we had a car all to ourselves when suddenly I cut the cheese. Ernie said "Oh my God, Soph is that you", "did you just fart", I said of course I did you think I always smell like this."

I will never forget it you know. For the longest time I didn't wear no underwear. Used to drive my boyfriend Ernie absolutely batty that I didn't wear no underwear. One day I caught a terrible cold, Ernie said to me "Soph you've got to go see the doctor I said alright, make an appointment for me." So he rang up the doctor but unbeknownst to me this is what he told the doctor. "Doc I'm sending Soph over, she got a terrible cold but that's not the problem, the problem is she don't wear no underwear, tell her she got this cold on the count of she don't wear no underwear you got that." "Right o" says the doctor so I like a Schmuck trot on down to the doctor's office the doctor said "Soph open your mouth and say Ah" I open my mouth I said "Ah" he looked down my throat he said "Soph, you ain't wearin no underwear", I said "I beg your pardon doctor?" he said to me "Soph you ain't wearin no underwear" I said "doctor you can look down my throat and see I ain't wearin no underwear" he said "that's right Soph" I said "doc do me a favor, look up my ass and tell me if my hat's on straight."