Barenaked Ladies Album

Words & Music by Steven Page 

Drove downtown in the rain nine-thirty on a Tuesday night,
just to check out the late-night record shop.
Call it impulsive, call it compulsive, call it insane,
but when I'm surrounded I just can't stop.

It's a matter of instinct, it's a matter of conditioning,
it's a matter of fact.
You can call me Pavlov's dog.
Ring a bell and I'll salivate. How'd you like that?
Dr. Lendy tell me you're not just a pedagogue,
cause right now I'm

Chorus 
Lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did
Well I'm lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did.

So I'm lying here, just starting at the ceiling tiles.
and I'm thinking about what to think about.
Just listening and relistening to Smiley Smile,
and I'm wondering if this is some kind of create drought
because I am

Chorus 

And if you want to find me I'll be out in the sandbox,
wondering where the hell all the love has gone.
Playing my guitar and building castles in the sun,
and singing "Fun, Fun, Fun."

Chorus 

I had a dream that I was three hundred pounds
and though I was very heavy, 
I floated 'til I couldn't see the ground
I floated 'til I couldn't see the ground
Somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground
Somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground
Somebody help me because I'm

Chorus 

Drove downtown in the rain nine-thirty on a Tuesday night.
Just to check out the late-night record shop.
Call it impulsive, call it compulsive, call it insane;

Words & Music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson 

I tend the wheat field that makes your bread.
I bind the sweet veal, pluck the hens that make your bed.
Mother Nature & Mother Earth
Are two of three women who dictate what I'm worth

Chorus:
I'm the farmer.
I work in the fields all day.
Don't mean to alarm her, 
But I know it was meant to be this way.

You cried a tear, I wiped it dry
I put you up upon a pedestal so high
if you should waiver, if you should sway
I'd catch you, spread my tiny wings and fly away.
You signed your picture with an O and X
I bet you don't write "love" each time you sign your cheques.

Chorus

All of this corn I grow I grow it all for you
I took a hatchet to the radio I did it all for you
You could have written back,
You could have said "Thank you"
I guess you've got better things,
better things to do.

You say you love me, is that the truth?
Although they've heard the songs, my friends want living proof.
I know your address, I ring the bell
I bring you flowers and a .22 with shells.

I'm the farmer
I work in the fields all day
Never wanted to harm her

Words & Music by Steven Page 

The bravest thing I've ever done
Was to run away and hide
But not this time, not this time
And the weakest thing I've ever done
Was to stay right by your side
Just like this time, and every time
I couldn't tell you I was happy when you were gone
So I lied and said that I missed you when we were apart.
I couldn't tell you, so I had to lead you on
But I didn't mean to break your heart.

And if I always seem distracted
Like my minds somewhere else,
That's because it's true, yes it's true
it's this stupid pride that makes me feel
Like I have to follow through
Even half-assedly, loving you
Why must I always speak in terms of cowardice?
When I guess I should have just come out and told you right from the start
Why must I always tell you all I want is this?
I guess 'cause I didn't want to break your heart

And you said;
"What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Curl up and die just because of you?
I'm not that weak, you know
What'd you think that I was gonna do,
Try to make you love me as much as I love you?
how could you be so low?
You arrogant man,
What do you think that I am?
My heart will be fine
Just stop wasting my time"

And now I know that you will be okay, and that I
got what I want and that's rid of you
Good bye
And it's not cause I'll be missing you
That makes me fall apart
it's just that I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break
No I didn't mean to break

Words & Music by Steven Duffy & Steven Page 

The girl works at the store sweet Jane St. Clair
Was dazzled by her smile while I shopped there
it wasn't long before I lived with her
I sang her songs while she dyed her hair

Chorus:
Jane, divided, but I can't decide what side I'm on
Jane decided only cowards stay, while traitors run
Jane, Jane

I'd bring her gold and frankincense and myrrh
She thought that I was making fun of her
She made me feel I was fourteen again
That's why she thinks it's cooler if we'd just stay friends
Jane doesn't think a man could ever be faithful
Jane isn't giving me a chance to be shameful
Jane, Jane
I wrote a letter, she should have got it yesterday
That life could be better by being together
is what I cannot explain to Jane
The girl works at the store, sweet Jane St. Clair
Was dazzled by her smile while I shoplift there
No promises as vague as Heaven
No Juliana next to my Evan
Jane, desired by the people at the school and work
Jane is tired, 'cause every man becomes a lovesick jerk

Words by Steven Page & Ed Robertson
Music by Ed Robertson 

I look straight in the window, try not to look below
Pretend I'm not up here, try counting sheep
But the sheep seem to shower off this office tower
Nine-point-eight straight down I can't stop my knees.

Chorus:
I wish I could fly
From this building, from this wall
And if I should try, 
would you catch me if I fall?

My hands clench the squeegee, my secular rosary
Hang on to your wallet, hang on to your rings
Can't look below me, or something might throw me
Curse at the windstorms that October brings.

I look in the boardroom; a modern pharaoh's tomb
I'd gladly swap places, if they care to dive
They're lined up at the window, peer down into limbo
They're frightened of jumping, in case they survive.

I wish I could step from this scaffold 
onto soft green pastures, shopping malls, or bed
With my family and my pastor and my grandfather who's Dead

Look straight in the mirror, watch it come clearer
I look like a painter, behind all the grease
But paintings creating, and I'm just erasing
A crystal-clear canvas is my masterpiece

Words & Music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson 

Hello city ... 

Another night at the Palace 'cause there is nothing else to do.
The same people, the same drinks and the same music, the same quicksand.
I think this harbour town is waist deep and sinking fast.

Chorus 
Hello city, you've found an enemy in me.
Hello city, hello city.

Second night at the Warehouse,
and my mock turtleneck just reeks.
From the liquor room to the changeroom,
to the doom and gloom of the hotel room.
I wish this seaside beerhall would sink into the bay.

Chorus 

Maybe I caught you at a bad time.
Maybe I should call you back next week.
Maybe half the fault was mine that
the sun didn't shine on Barrington Street.

It's three o'clock in the morning,
and I'm hungry so let's eat.
Climb down three flights to the streetlights,
and the bar-fights, we're just taking in the sights.
I hope tomorrow that I wake up in my own bed.

Chorus 

What a good place to be.. Don't believe them,'cause they speak a different
language
and it's never been happy for me.
It's Happy Hour again.

Words by Steven Page
Music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson 

When I was born, they looked at me and said,
"What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy."
And when you were born, they looked at you and said,
"What a good girl, what a what a smart girl, what a pretty girl."

We've got these chains that hang around our necks
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same,
when temptation calls, we just look away.

Chorus 
This name is the hairshirt I wear
and this hairshirt is woven from your brown hair.
This song is the cross that I bear,
bear it with me, bear with me, bear with me, be with me tonight,
I know that it isn't right, but be with me tonight.

I go to school, I write exams,
if I pass, if I fail, if I drop out,
does anyone give a damn?
And if they do, they'll soon forget 'cause it won't take much for me
to show my life ain't over yet.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange.
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
and everything around me stays the same.

Chorus 

I couldn't tell you that I was wrong,
chickened out, grabbed a pen and paper, sat down and I wrote this song.
I couldn't tell you that you were right, 
so instead I looked in the mirror, 
watched TV, laid away all night.

We've got these chains, hang 'round our necks,
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same when temptation calls ...

Chorus 

When I was born, they looked at me and said;
"What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy."
And when you were born, they looked at you and said;

Words & Music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson 

Broke into the old apartment
This is where we used to live
Broken glass, broke and hungry
broken hearts and broken bones
This is where we used to live

Why did you paint the walls?
Why did you clean the floor?
Why did you plaster over the hole I punched in the door?
This is where we used to live

Why did you keep the mousetrap?
Why did you keep the dishrack?
these things used to be mine
I guess they still are, I want them back

Broke into the old apartment
Forty-two stairs from the street
Crooked landing, crooked landlord
Narrow laneway filled with crooks.
This is where we used to live.

Why did they pave the lawn?
why did they change the locks?
Why did I have to break it, I only came here to talk
This is where we used to live

How is the neighbor downstairs?
How is her temper this year?
I turned up your TV and stomped on the floor just for fun
I know we don't live here anymore
We bought an old house on the Danforth
She loves me and her body keeps me warm
I'm happy here
But this is where we used to live

Broke into the old apartment
Tore the phone out of the wall
Only memories, fading memories
Blending into dull tableaux

I want them back

Words & Music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson 

When she was three
Her barbies always did it on the first date
Now she's with me,
There's never any need for them to demonstrate
She's like a baby, I'm like a cat;
When we are happy, we both get fat and still
it's never enough, it's never enough,
it's never enough

Chorus:
But I don't tend to worry about the things that other people say,
And I'm learning that I wouldn't want it any other way
Call me crazy, but it really doesn't matter
All that matters to me is she

Her life, in a nutshell
No way would she want it to change me
it's not that easy 'cause
My time is often decided for me
For me

She memorized every pencil crayon colour in the box
Her blue-green eyes complement the burn sienna in her locks
She's at the movies, I'm on the phone;
When we're separated, we're never alone, but still
it's never enough, it's never enough,
No it's never enough

Chorus

I fell down
With no one there to catch me from falling
Then she came 'round
And only her tenderness stopped me from bawling my eyes out
I'm OK
And that's why

Words & Music by Ed Robertson 

A friend brought me flowers, she said they were lilacs
But I've never been good with plants
Her next presentation, a new dictionary
She'd circled the word "romance"
So enthusiastic, a little bit drastic
I shaved her name in my head
And as she beheld it, she said I misspelled it;
Need more be said!

Chorus:
These apples are delicious!
"As a matter of fact they are," she said
Can all this fruit be free?

She wrote me a letter as big as a phonebook
I've never been big on mail
I sent her a postcard from somewhere near Lethebridge
And wondered if it still went by rail
I've never been frightened of being enlightened
But some things can go too far
Though sometimes I stammer and mix up my grammar,
You get what my meanings are

Chorus

I'm not trying to sing a love song -- I'm trying to sing in tune.
I know I am sometimes headstrong
Falling love, catching fire -- I want to be consumed
Wondering will I ever tire, will I ever tire!

Words and Music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson 

If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a house (I would buy you a house)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you furniture for your house
(Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a K-Car (a nice Reliant automobile)
If I Had $1000000 I'd buy your love.

If I Had $1000000 I'd build a tree fort in our yard.
If I Had $1000000 You could help, it wouldn't be that hard.
If I Had $1000000 Maybe we could put a refrigerator in there.
[Wouldn't that be fabulous]

If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a fur coat (but not a real fur coat that's cruel)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you an exotic pet (Like a llama or an emu)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you John Merrick's remains (All them crazy elephant bones)
If I Had $1000000 I'd buy your love

If I Had $1000000 We wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I Had $1000000 We'd take a limousine 'cause it costs more
If I Had $1000000 We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner.
(But we would!) 

If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a green dress (but not a real green dress, that's cruel)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you some art (a Picasso or a Garfunkel)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a monkey (haven't you always wanted a monkey?!)
If I Had $1000000 I'd buy your love

If I Had $1000000, If I Had $1000000
If I Had $1000000, If I Had $1000000

It's Uncle Elwyn
It's Uncle Elwyn
My Uncle Elwyn is tall
My Elwyn is small
My Elwyn plays a mean basketball
He's about 45 maybe 55, 60
I'm not sure; once he mixed me a drink
I was about 5 years old
It was Koolaid and pop
I thought that was cold
Cold meaning good
Cold's supposed to be bad but i think that I otta would
Change some things,I change their meanings
I've been here, I've been demeaning
Once, twice, maybe three times
I asked my Uncle Elwyn he's a mime
Ask Uncle Elwyn
Ask Uncle Elwyn
E-L-W-Y-N that's Elwyn, say it again
E-L-W-Y-N that's Elwyn, say it again
E-L-W-Y-N that's Elwyn, sing it again