Barenaked Ladies Album

Words & Music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson 

Broke into the old apartment
This is where we used to live
Broken glass, broke and hungry
broken hearts and broken bones
This is where we used to live

Why did you paint the walls?
Why did you clean the floor?
Why did you plaster over the hole I punched in the door?
This is where we used to live

Why did you keep the mousetrap?
Why did you keep the dishrack?
these things used to be mine
I guess they still are, I want them back

Broke into the old apartment
Forty-two stairs from the street
Crooked landing, crooked landlord
Narrow laneway filled with crooks.
This is where we used to live.

Why did they pave the lawn?
why did they change the locks?
Why did I have to break it, I only came here to talk
This is where we used to live

How is the neighbor downstairs?
How is her temper this year?
I turned up your TV and stomped on the floor just for fun
I know we don't live here anymore
We bought an old house on the Danforth
She loves me and her body keeps me warm
I'm happy here
But this is where we used to live

Broke into the old apartment
Tore the phone out of the wall
Only memories, fading memories
Blending into dull tableaux

I want them back

I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loser
I'm so smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out
I'm so brave, too bad I'm a baby
I'm so fly, that's probably why it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

I'm so green, it's really amazing
I'm so clean, too bad I can't get all the dirt off of me.
I'm so sane, it's driving me crazy
It's so strange, I can't believe it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind
It feels just like I'm falling for the first time
It feels just like I'm falling for the first time

I'm so chill, no wonder it's freezing
I'm so still, I just can't keep my fingers out of anything
I'm so thrilled to finally be failing
I'm so done, turn me over cause it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

Anything plain can be lovely, anything loved can be lost
Maybe I lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?
Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?

Words & Music by Steven Page 

Drove downtown in the rain nine-thirty on a Tuesday night,
just to check out the late-night record shop.
Call it impulsive, call it compulsive, call it insane,
but when I'm surrounded I just can't stop.

It's a matter of instinct, it's a matter of conditioning,
it's a matter of fact.
You can call me Pavlov's dog.
Ring a bell and I'll salivate. How'd you like that?
Dr. Lendy tell me you're not just a pedagogue,
cause right now I'm

Chorus 
Lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did
Well I'm lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did.

So I'm lying here, just starting at the ceiling tiles.
and I'm thinking about what to think about.
Just listening and relistening to Smiley Smile,
and I'm wondering if this is some kind of create drought
because I am

Chorus 

And if you want to find me I'll be out in the sandbox,
wondering where the hell all the love has gone.
Playing my guitar and building castles in the sun,
and singing "Fun, Fun, Fun."

Chorus 

I had a dream that I was three hundred pounds
and though I was very heavy, 
I floated 'til I couldn't see the ground
I floated 'til I couldn't see the ground
Somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground
Somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground
Somebody help me because I'm

Chorus 

Drove downtown in the rain nine-thirty on a Tuesday night.
Just to check out the late-night record shop.
Call it impulsive, call it compulsive, call it insane;

Words & Music by Ed Robertson 

It's been one week since you looked at me 
cocked your head to the side and said I'm angry.
Five days since you laughed at me 
saying get that together come back and see me. 
Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me 
but it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
As I make you stop, think
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman
I summon fish to the dish, although I like the Chalet Swiss
I like the sushi 'cause it's never touched a frying pan
Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like Leann Rimes
Because I'm all about value
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits
You try to match wits
You try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like a stinkin achin shake
I like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavours
Gotta see the show, cause then you'll know
The vertigo is gonna grow
Cause it's so dangerous, you'll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me 
Threw your arms in the air and said you're crazy 
Five days since you tackled me 
I've still got the rug burns on both my knees
It's been three days since the afternoon
You realized it's not my fault not a moment too soon
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait till you say you're sorry

Chickity China the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin X-Files with no lights on, we're dans la maison
I hope the Smoking Man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford I'm getting Frantic
Like Sting I'm Tantric
Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy
Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay I don't make films
But if I did they'd have a samurai
Gonna get a set of better clubs
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs just so my
irons aren't always flying off the back-swing
Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon
Cause that cartoon has got the boom anime babes
that make me think the wrong thing

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean? You soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of losing my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to your sides and said I'm sorry
Five days since I laughed at you
and said You just did just what I thought you were gonna do
Three days since the living room
We realized we're both to blame, but what could we do?
Yesterday you just smiled at me
Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry
It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry
It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry

Words & Music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson 

if there's someone you can live without, then do so.
And if there's someone you can just shove out, do so.

Chorus 
You can be my Yoko Ono
You can follow me wherever I go
Be my, be my, be my Yoko Ono.

isn't it beautiful to see two people so much in love?
Barenaked as two virgins hand in hand and hand and hand in glove.
Now that I'm far away it doesn't seem to me to be such a pain.
To have you hanging off my ankle like some kind of ball and chain.

Chorus 

Oh no, here we go, our life is just one big pun.
Oh no, here we go as Yoko sings
Aieee!

I know that when I say this
I may be stepping on pins and needles.
But I don't like all these people
slagging her for breaking up the Beatles.
(Don't blame it on Yokey!)
if I was John and you were Yoko,
I would gladly give up musical genius,
just to have you as my very own, personal Venus.
(Hit it!)

Words & Music by Stephen Duffy & Steven Page 

You're in an all-girl band
Your futon's second hand
Your parents understand but you don't care
I have a job in a shop
I'm an undercover cop
I make sure the customers aren't thieves
Old at being young
Young at being old
Everything's on hold within our evolution

Chorus:
You're my alternative girlfriend
I love you, and now you cannot pretend
There's nothing left that won't cross over

Last night we slept on the lawn
you woke up and I was gone
Back to the dream I dream to leave
My life with her is a bore
A worn-out metaphor
No more surprises up its sleeve
We're old at being young
Young at being old
Everything's been sold to other's revolutions

Chorus

You live above your dad's four-car garage
With your vinyl and imaginary entourage
if I pull up in a U-Haul, pack up quick
So we can get out of this town 'cause it makes me sick

*odd grunt*

Speaking as a guy who's really
Got it going on,
It's only natural,
It's only me.

Take it from a fella
Who's been 'round the block
So many times he's knows the only parking spot that's free.
It's only me.

You can say I've tried everything
I'd save on the wedding ring
Who knows me half as well as me?

I'm not anti-social
And it's nothing that's reproachful
It's just natural,
It's only me.

I can't think of anybody else I'd rather
Spend some one on one time with,
It's not that hard to see,
It's only me.

I'm the me in monogamy
I'm not asking a lot of me
I give me R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

And if your heart is broken
You can just do what you do best
You can just do what you do,
When your heart is broken
Trust in the one who loves you
Never put others above you

I thought I was using me
To get to you
But this is true.
I'm natural, it's only me.

They say you'll never love another
'Til you love yourself,
Well, brother I'm in love with everyone I see.
It's only me.

You could say I've tried every thing
I'd save on the wedding ring
Who knows me half as well as me?
I'm the me in monogamy
I'm not asking a lot of me

Words and Music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson 

If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a house (I would buy you a house)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you furniture for your house
(Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a K-Car (a nice Reliant automobile)
If I Had $1000000 I'd buy your love.

If I Had $1000000 I'd build a tree fort in our yard.
If I Had $1000000 You could help, it wouldn't be that hard.
If I Had $1000000 Maybe we could put a refrigerator in there.
[Wouldn't that be fabulous]

If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a fur coat (but not a real fur coat that's cruel)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you an exotic pet (Like a llama or an emu)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you John Merrick's remains (All them crazy elephant bones)
If I Had $1000000 I'd buy your love

If I Had $1000000 We wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I Had $1000000 We'd take a limousine 'cause it costs more
If I Had $1000000 We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner.
(But we would!) 

If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a green dress (but not a real green dress, that's cruel)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you some art (a Picasso or a Garfunkel)
If I Had $1000000 (If I Had $1000000)
I'd buy you a monkey (haven't you always wanted a monkey?!)
If I Had $1000000 I'd buy your love

If I Had $1000000, If I Had $1000000
If I Had $1000000, If I Had $1000000

Words & Music by Stephen Duffy & Steven Page 

I think it's getting to the point
where I can be myself again
I think it's getting to the point
where we have almost made amends
I think it's the getting to the point
that is the hardest part.

And if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

You think I only think about you
when we're both in the same room
You think I'm only here to witness
the remains of love exhumed
You think we're here to play
a game of who loves more than whom

And if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

You think it's only fair to do what's
best for you and you alone
You think it's only fair to do the same
to me when you're not home
I think it's time to make this something that is
more than only fair

So if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home.

But I'm warning you, don't ever do
those crazy, messed up things that you do
If you ever do
I promise you I'll be the first to crucity you
Now it's time to prove that you've come back

(words: Steven Page/Ed Robertson, music: Steven Page/Ed Robertson/Jim Creeggan)

Everywhere I go someone's
tryin' to by my girlfriend's best friend.
I try to pretend I'm relaxed,
but I'm playing castanets with my knees.

I try to be cool and give her space,
but a guy's always there ready
to jump right up and take my place.
Everyone in this room seems
to want to make a big fool out of me.

Everybody open your mouth,
(Everybody, everybody...)
Everybody just say "ahh".
(Ahh, ahh, ahh...)
Everything will be alright
if you play along.

Everywhere I go there's someone in a trenchcoat staring at me.
When I'm not at home I'm sure someone's
rumaging through my trash.
Whatever could they want from me?
Is it just a part of a giant government conspiracy?
I gotta go see my doctor about this itchy pentagram shaped rash.

Everybody open your mouth,
(Everybody, everybody..)
Everybody just say "ahh"
(Ahh, ahh, ahh..)
Everything will be alright
this won't hurt at all.

Everybody get in line,
(Everybody, everybody..)
Everybody turn and cough,
(Ahh, ahh, ahh..)
Everything will be alright,
if you just lay off.

Dictate a memo to myself,
Try to find if I'm the only one in complete health.
Consult contemporaries if there are some to see.
There really isn't anyone who's in my league

But me..

Every night at the lanes someone thinks
they've got a fine bead on me.**
I try to take three deep breaths
as I lock in and arm mini-van.
Everyone says I'm looking great,
but it's hard to stand up
let alone to try to concentrate.

I wish that everyone I knew hadn't
sold out to the man.

Everybody open your mouth,
(Everybody, everybody..)
Everybody just say "ahh"
(Ahh, ahh, ahh..)
Everything will be alright
this won't hurt at all.

Everybody get in line,
(Everybody, everybody..)
Everybody turn and cough,
(Ahh, ahh, ahh..)
Everything will be alright,
if you just lay..
everything will be alright if you just lay..

Words & Music by Steven Page 

I met you before the fall of Rome
and I begged you to let me take you home

You were wrong, I was right
You said goodbye, I said goodnight

It's all been done
It's all been done
It's all been done before

I knew you before the west was won
and I heard you say the past
was much more fun
You go your way, I go mine
but I'll see you next time

It's all been done
It's all been done
It's all been done before

And if I put my fingers here, and if I say
"I love you, dear"
And if I play the same three chords,
Will you just yawn and say

It's all been done
It's all been done
It's all been done before

Alone and bored on a 30th century night.
Will I see you on the price is right?
Will I cry? Will I smile?
As you run down the aisle.

It's all been done
It's all been done

Words & Music by Steven Duffy & Steven Page 

The girl works at the store sweet Jane St. Clair
Was dazzled by her smile while I shopped there
it wasn't long before I lived with her
I sang her songs while she dyed her hair

Chorus:
Jane, divided, but I can't decide what side I'm on
Jane decided only cowards stay, while traitors run
Jane, Jane

I'd bring her gold and frankincense and myrrh
She thought that I was making fun of her
She made me feel I was fourteen again
That's why she thinks it's cooler if we'd just stay friends
Jane doesn't think a man could ever be faithful
Jane isn't giving me a chance to be shameful
Jane, Jane
I wrote a letter, she should have got it yesterday
That life could be better by being together
is what I cannot explain to Jane
The girl works at the store, sweet Jane St. Clair
Was dazzled by her smile while I shoplift there
No promises as vague as Heaven
No Juliana next to my Evan
Jane, desired by the people at the school and work
Jane is tired, 'cause every man becomes a lovesick jerk

Don't the hours grow shorter as the days go by?
We never get to stop and open our eyes.
One minute you're waiting for the sky to fall
Next you're dazzled by the beauty of it all.

Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time

These fragile bodies of touch and taste
This fragrant skin, this hair like lace
Spirits open to thrust of grace,
Never a breath you can't afford to waste.

Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time

When you're lovers in a dangerous time,
Sometimes you're made to feel your loves a crime.
Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight
You gotta kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight.

Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time

We were lovers in a dangerous time

It's the perfect time of year
Somewhere far away from here
I feel fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess.
There's a restaurant down the street
Where hungry people like to eat
I could walk, but I'll just drive
It's colder than it looks outside.

It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone..,

(S) Hi folks this is Steven Page.
(T) This is Tyler Stewart.
(S) We're two members of Barenaked Ladies, and although you *thought* you were
downloading our new single, what you're actually downloading is an advertisement
for our new album 'Maroon', comes out September 12th, and after that point I'm
sure you can download lots of stuff from our record but until then you're just
going to get lots of stuff with us bugging you.
(T) We fooled you, huh? We're sneaky like that...you can never trust a Canadian.
Next thing you know, we'll be supplying your natural resources!

...then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.
Take your time cos the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
Realise that with a guy my size it might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.

It's the perfect time of day
To throw all your cares away
Put the sprinkler on the lawn
And run through with my gym shorts on.
Take a drink right from the hose
And change into some drier clothes
Climb the stairs up to my room
Sleep away the afternoon.

It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.

(T) Hello? Hi? H-? Hello? If you just- Would you- Could- Could you please leave
a m- Ah. If you'd just let me leave a - At the sound of the - Uh. Ah. Thanks. 

Take your time cos the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
Realise that with a guy my size it might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.
Pinch Me
Pinch Me
Cos I'm still asleep.
Please God
Tell Me
That I'm still asleep

On an evening such as this
It's hard to tell if I exist
If I Packed a car and leave this town
Who'll notice that I'm not around?
I could hide out under there
I just made you say 'underwear'
I could leave but I'll just stay
All my stuff's here anyway.
It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.

(S) If you're listening? We're trying to get our song on Napster, but we don't
know how to do it....errr....we're Barenaked Ladies and we're trying to....Ty?
Can you just press that over there? 

Take your time cos the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
Realise that with a guy my size it might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.
Try to figure out what all this is for.
Try to see the world beyond your front door.

Words by Steven Page & Ed Robertson
Music by Steven Page 

A key in the door, a step on the floor
A note on the table, and a meal in the micro
Note says "I'm in bed, please make sure that you're fed
if you're taking a shower, you can borrow my bathrobe
When I'm asleep I dream you move in next week"
I crumple the note and save it to put inside

Chorus:
My shoe box
Shoe box of lies
Shoe box
Shoe box of lies

it's under my bed, it's never been read
it's in with my school stuff and my mom never cleans there
From my first little fib, when I still wore a bib
To my latest attempt at pretending I'm someone
Who's not seventeen, doesn't know what you mean
When talk turns to single malts, or stilton, or

Chorus

Did somebody tell you
This is how it's supposed to be?
Or did you just find it
And you don't want any more from me?

Chorus

Was it something I said, or was it something you read
That's making me think that I should never have come here
I can offer you lies, I can tell you good-bye. 
I can tell you I'm sorry, But I can't tell you the truth, dear
And what if I could -- would it do any good?
You'll still never get to see the contents of 

Chorus

You're so nineteen-ninety
And it's nineteen-ninety-four
Leave this world behind me

Words by Steven Page
Music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson 

When I was born, they looked at me and said,
"What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy."
And when you were born, they looked at you and said,
"What a good girl, what a what a smart girl, what a pretty girl."

We've got these chains that hang around our necks
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same,
when temptation calls, we just look away.

Chorus 
This name is the hairshirt I wear
and this hairshirt is woven from your brown hair.
This song is the cross that I bear,
bear it with me, bear with me, bear with me, be with me tonight,
I know that it isn't right, but be with me tonight.

I go to school, I write exams,
if I pass, if I fail, if I drop out,
does anyone give a damn?
And if they do, they'll soon forget 'cause it won't take much for me
to show my life ain't over yet.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange.
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
and everything around me stays the same.

Chorus 

I couldn't tell you that I was wrong,
chickened out, grabbed a pen and paper, sat down and I wrote this song.
I couldn't tell you that you were right, 
so instead I looked in the mirror, 
watched TV, laid away all night.

We've got these chains, hang 'round our necks,
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same when temptation calls ...

Chorus 

When I was born, they looked at me and said;
"What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy."
And when you were born, they looked at you and said;

You say, "Why does everything revolve around you?"
You say, "Why does everything I do confound you?"
You say that I pulled the world from under you,
You can't go through it this time

And I could be good, and I would - If I knew I was understood
And it'll be great, just wait - Or is it too little too late?

One day, this embarrassment will fade behind me
And that day I could think of things that won't remind me
But these days it's unbearable for both of us
We can't discuss it this way

I'm gaining strength, tying to learn pull my own weight
But I'm gaining pounds at the precipice of Too Late
Just Wait

I could be good, and I would - If I knew I was understood
And it'll be great, just wait - Or is it too little too late?

Record and play, after years of endless rewind
Yesterday wasn't half as tough as this time
This time isn't Hell,
Last time, I couldn't tell
This mind wasn't well
Next time, hope I'm...
Going to be good, and I would -
If I knew I was understood
And it'll be great, just wait -
Or is it too little too late?
Good, and I would -
If I knew I was understood
And it'll be great, just wait -

Words & Music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson 

Chorus 
Enid we never really knew each other anyway.
Enid we never really knew each other anyway.

It took me a year to believe it was over,
and it took me two more to get over the loss.
I took a beating when you wrote me those letters,
and every time I remembered the taste of your lipgloss.

Chorus 

Maybe we always saw right through each other anyway
but Enid we never really knew each other anyway.

There were times when I wanted to hurt you,
and there were times when I know that I did.
There were times when I thought I would kill you,
but can you blame me I was only a kid.

Tell me why we never respected each other.
and tell me why I never believed that you were a person too.
I always thought that you fancied my brother.
I may not have liked it, oh but memory is a strange thing, oh, and Enid?
Enid I remember you.

Chorus 

Maybe we always saw right through each other anyway,
but Enid we never really knew each other anyway.

it took me a year to believe it was over,
and it took me two more to get over the loss.
I took a beating when I wrote you those letters,
and every time you told me to get lost.

Now it's not fair to say that it's
'cause I was three inches shorter then,
and it's not fair to say that it's 'cause
I was only fifteen years old.
But maybe it's fair to say it was a lack of communication,
I took a phone message, oh and speaking of communication,
oh, and Enid,
Enid you got a cold.

I can get a job I can pay the phone bills
I can cut the lawn, cut my hair, cut out my cholesterol
I can work overtime I can work in a mine
I can do it all for you,
But I don't want to.

Enid we never really knew each other anyway.
Enid we never really knew each other anyway.
Enid we never really knew each other anyway.
Maybe we always saw right through each other anyway,
But Enid we really never knew each other anyway

(Ed)
I can teach you how to dance, how to sing, how to knit,
How to make things that you never ever made before
Enid, I can teach you how to use cookie cutters
To make crazy things out of Play-Doh.

Little houses, little farms, little accessories for your mom,
For your Barbie set, for your friends and your family
Enid, I can teach you how to snowmobile, cross-country ski, snowshoe,
But I don't want to!

Enid we never really knew each other anyway
Enid we never really knew each other anyway
Maybe we always saw right through each other anyway
But Enid we really never knew each other anyway

I'm learning, I'm yearning
I'm burning, all your stuff
But that's not enough.
I'm faking, that I'm aching
Mistaking lust for love.

Thanks, that was fun
Don't forget, no regrets
Except maybe one.

Did I scare you?
When I dared you?
I stared you in the eye
And told you goodbye.

You mock me,
It shocked me,
When you walked me to the bus.

Thanks, that was fun
Don't forget, no regrets
Except maybe one.
Made a deal not to feel
God, that's dumb

Everybody knows the deal fell through.
I was hoping I could just blame you.
When was it that I became so soft?
This sentimentality doesn't look good on me.
I thought that you would be begging to be with me.
I'm the one on my knees blubbering please let me stay.

Deflated, and jaded.
I hated when you called which isn't at all.
I've spoken, though broken.
Here's a token of my love.

Thanks, that was fun
Don't forget, no regrets
Except maybe one.
Made a deal not to feel
God, that was dumb
Don't forget, no regrets
Except maybe one.
Made a deal not to feel