Bo Burnham
"High School Party Girl Live"

This next song is a first-hand account.

High-school party, senior year,
Boys and girls are all sippin' on beer.
I like soda, where's the soda?
Am I the only fucking person here that likes soda?

I see you from across the crowd,
The party is bumpin' and the music is loud.
You're really drunk and you're looking sad,
It's like a date-rape ad.

Girl, then we start to dance, and
Girl, baby, this is romance,
Girl, I'm starting to grow down below,
Shit, why did I wear sweatpants? Ooh, yeah,

Girl, your body's like, what?
Conjunction junction, that's a fine ass, butt.
I'm like a cashew in a lollipop,
Just keep sucking 'til you get to the nut.

And I said, let's rob an Asian kitchen or stroll down the block,
Either way, girl, we're taking a walk [wok]. (It's...)
You're gonna love me the way my uncle did,
Except you're not gonna to go to court for doing it.
Be a guillotine, or my girl instead,
Either way, I said, you're giving me head.
I'm gonna love you, baby, the right way,
Shawty with a body, lookin' hottie when I say, girl.

We walk into the bedroom, exchanging nervous laughter,
Why is called dry humping if I always need a towel after?
You spread your naked legs, and I see that wound that never healed,
Even though you're yelling for me, I can tell your lips are sealed.
(I've been around.)

We're both aware of my erection,
You ask if I have protection.
I say, "No, I mean, I tried to buy 'em once. I was in a convenient store, my old babysitter walked in and I had to hide them near the Tic-Tacs, I was so embarrassed, I peed myself a little bit."

Girl, girl, yeah, well, yeah.
Insert a euphemism,
A sexy mental prism,
Increase my pelvic rhythm,
Fill you with my syllogism.

Know your body and I know how to please you,
Don't thank me, thank Wikipedia.
Guys don't go down, well I am,
What the fuck is that, I should have brought my diagram.
Ooh, did you feel that? That was an educated guess. [In a deep voice.]
Ooh, yeah, did you feel that? Uh, that one was a sneeze, my bad.
I'm allergic to one type of cat.

High-school party, senior year, none of that happened 'cause I wasn't invited.